


Concrete Jungle

by moon_fox4



Category: Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-06 20:20:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 42,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10343844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moon_fox4/pseuds/moon_fox4
Summary: Emerson O'Connor has always dreamed of playing in a Broadway pit orchestra. After fleeing Boston to move back home to New York, she is approached by Lin and her whole world changes. But moving to a new city to get away from her past may not be as simple as she originally hoped.::**:: UPDATE 4/27/17 ::**:: Well it's complete! Hope y'all like it. Leave a comment to let me know what you think! <3





	1. Dreaming

All I had ever wanted was to work for a Broadway pit orchestra. It had been my dream since I had first picked up a violin when I was only eight years old. Four years after graduating from Berklee I was back in New York playing cello for a small theater in Queens. I was commuting from my mom’s house where I was living, when the theater producer decided to try putting on _In The Heights_ . It was a pretty bold choice, considering _Hamilton_ had only just launched itself into Broadway superstardom. But also, not many theaters chose to put it on because of it’s unique and highly cultural nature. It was much easier to pick “safer” options like _Into the Woods_ or _Once Upon a Mattress_.

I was excited to do _In The Heights_ , though. I had seen it when I was in high school and thought it was brilliant. Somewhat abashedly, I liked to brag about seeing it when Lin Manuel Miranda was still in it, especially with his newfound fame. The music was exciting and different and I was truly enjoying playing it. Closing night was a big deal for us though, there was a rumor going around the theater that someone had donated big money to the theater and that a handful of tickets had been bought for our only, almost always empty private box. It was that night that I was plucked from obscurity. It was that night that everything in my life changed.

Moments before curtains, a buzz went through the entire cast and crew. Lin Manuel Miranda, his beautiful wife Vanessa, and a small posse of _Hamilton_ cast were at the show that night. Somehow Lin had gotten word that we were putting on a production of his show and made sure he was there to see it. Everyone put on the best performances of their lives that night, including myself. From our little pit, I could just make out Lin’s ponytail in the dark theater. What I didn’t realize is that while he was watching the actors intently, he was also watching _me_ intently.

After the show, Lin and Vanessa came backstage to say hello and give us praise. Everyone gawked at him, but I had split open a callus on my finger halfway through the second act and was trying my best to clean out and bandage my wound. I hadn’t even noticed when Lin found me huddled away from everyone, wincing as I picked the torn skin from my finger. I was just wrapping my finger with a tiny bandaid I found in the bottom of my cello case as well as a piece of scotch tape to keep it on when Lin’s sneakered feet appeared in my line of vision.

“Hey, you’re the cellist right? Emerson O’Connor?” he said warmly.

I looked up, eyes wide, “Oh! Yes...that’s uh...that’s me!” I said, quickly putting my hands behind my back.

“Is your hand okay?” he said, leaning to peer around me for my hands. “I thought I saw you trying to mop up some blood in the middle of ‘Alabanza.’”

“Ah...one of my calluses ripped.” I answered.

He didn’t seem like he was going to stop trying to look so I brought my hand out to show him, “Damn! Did you play through the rest of the show with that?” he asked, looking at my finger.

It did look pretty gruesome, I had to give him that. The callus had shorn almost all the way off and I had already bled through the tiny bandage and scotch tape, “I did...it’s nothing new really. Happens all the time, I practice too much.”

“As gross as that looks, consider me impressed. I’ve burst some serious blisters during shows before and it’s almost maddening how much it hurts and still to have to keep going.”

“Thank you?”

Lin laughed, a full laugh that seemed to warm me from the core, “Anyway, I came to find you because besides the injury I was really impressed with your playing. You’re incredibly talented and you seem to have a real feel for the music. I could see you bobbing along to the beat. I also noticed you putting in some little bits of your own flair, which was really cool.”

“Oh, thank you.” I said trying to stay calm. “I’ve worked really hard to get the feel that you put into the show. I actually saw it back in the day...when you were in it.”

“Yo! For real? That’s amazing. Did you like it?”

“Yeah, of course. I hadn’t seen anything like it.”

“Have you listened to any of _Hamilton_ yet?” he asked bluntly.

“A little here and there. But I’ve been so busy practicing for this...” I admitted sheepishly.

“How would you like to come see it instead?”

I blanched, “I...you don’t...that’s very kind...” I stammered.

“Em,” he said firmly, shortening my name. “I’m trying to get you in my life here. Do you dig me?”

“I...no...I don’t think I’m following. What?”

“Alright, I’ll lay it out for you.” he said, pausing for effect. “ _Hamilton_ is looking for a new cellist. I want you to come be our new cellist.”

There was suddenly a loud rushing in my ears. My heart started pounding uncomfortably fast in my chest and Lin’s face seemed to be sucked into a radial blur. “You want me to what?”

“Emerson, take a deep breath.” Lin said, putting his hands on my shoulders. “Focus on my voice, okay?”

I did as I was told, nodding, “Okay.”

“You deserve this. You really do. Come work for me. Come play for _Hamilton_.” he said.

I blinked at him, “I don’t live in the city.”

He smiled, clearly this was funny, “Don’t worry about that. Just say yes. We can figure the rest out later.”

“Yes...of course. Yes.” I blabbered, everything that just happened rushing in all at once.

“Good, great!” he said, grinning. “Give me your email so I can let you know when to come down. We can chat, I’ll help you figure out whatever you need. Alright?”

I nodded, “Okay. Yeah...yeah!”

I gave him my email and then he said goodbye and I noticed Vanessa standing down the hall waiting for him. I waved at her and she smiled, giving me a little wave back before the two of them turned and disappeared around the corner. I stared down at my ripped finger, watching as the blood dripped onto the floor. Lin Manuel Miranda wanted _me_. He wanted me to play for his hit Broadway show. He was going to help me figure it all out. He wanted me and I had possibly just bled on his shirt. I was dreaming for sure.

A few days past and I had convinced myself that I had been dreaming. But then as I rode the train down to Queens for rehearsal for our next show, I checked my email only to find one from Lin. I nearly yelped, nearly cried, then realized I had made an audible noise on a public train and people were looking at me. I flushed and turned into the window so I could read the email in peace.

 **To: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com** ****  
**From: linmanuel@gmail.com** **  
** **Subject: when can you start?**

**Yo Em!**

**Hope you’re doing well! Do you know when you might be able to start? We would love to have you as soon as possible, but I know that might be hard with other work. Let me know if I can help!**

**Did you want to come see the show first?**

**Talk to you soon, superstar!**

**Lin**

I could’ve died. It took me the rest of the train ride to formulate a good response. I would’ve taken longer, but I knew it wasn’t going to get any better and I needed to hustle to rehearsal. I pressed send just as I walked into the theater.

 **To: linmanuel@gmail.com** ****  
**From: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com** **  
** **Subject: RE: when can you start?**

**Hi Lin**

**I’ve been doing fine. We’ve already started work on our next show (** **_Brigadoon_ ** **...lame). I’m not sure when I could start. I could put in my two weeks...but I don’t have an apartment in the city. I commute from Cold Spring to Queens nearly every day as it is. Any suggestions?**

**Maybe that would be good...but I wouldn’t want to take tickets from someone else.**

**Thank you again...really...**

**Emerson**

I wasn’t able to check my email again until the train ride home that night. I assumed he wouldn’t have responded, knowing he was probably very busy. He surprised me yet again though, having responded only a few hours after my message.

 **To: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com** ****  
**From: linmanuel@gmail.com** **  
** **Subject: brigadoon is pretty lame**

**Cold Spring’s a haul...let me ask around. Maybe I can find you something cheap.**

**Don’t worry about stealing tickets. I want you to meet the fam. Alex is already foaming at the mouth to meet you. Do you have a show this weekend? Sunday matinee? I’ll take you to dinner after.**

**Your new bestie, Lin**

I couldn’t help but laugh. We had barely spoken and he was already proclaiming us besties. The woman in the seat across from mine glanced at me, but I didn’t care. Things in my life seemed to be improving finally. I was excited not to have to live with my mom anymore as well. But I tried my best to be patient. I answered as the train cruised past West Point, doused in moonlight.

 **To: linmanuel@gmail.com** ****  
**From: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com** **  
** **Subject: bringing her home to meet the fam**

**Okay, thank you for looking into that.**

**Alex Lacamoire? THE Alex Lacamoire? I’ve died. You’ve killed me.**

**I don’t have a show this weekend. Sunday matinee sounds fine.**

**Glad to be considered your bestie, Emerson**

I got his next email on the train the next morning.

 **To: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com** ****  
**From: linmanuel@gmail.com** **  
** **Subject: I’M A MURDERER!!!**

**Yes, the Alex Lacamoire. We found your YouTube btw...loved the Clint Eastwood cover. Didn’t know you could rap AND play cello. You’re a boss!**

**Come early, do you know your way to the theater?**

**Lin**

Frustratingly my phone died before I could finish my response and I had to wait to get to the theater to recharge it. I tried to answer quickly on my break, but then my director wanted to talk to me. I followed him into his office and he shut the door, inviting me to sit. The only other time we had sat like this was when he hired me and I was suddenly very concerned as to what he needed to discuss with me. He seemed to hesitate for a painfully long time before getting started.

“There’s been some chatter going around that you were talking in private with Mr. Miranda after the show last weekend.” he said, sounding rather stiff.

“Yes, he came to speak with me. Why? Is there a problem?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Well, Emerson...some people have been complaining. Wondering why you got special treatment.”

“It wasn’t special treatment, he just wanted to speak to me. He appreciated some of the liberties I took with the music. _His_ music.”

My director folded his fingers on his desk, “That may well be, but people aren’t happy and they’re expecting me to do something about it.”

I blinked at him, “Do what exactly?”

“I think it might be best to put you on a probationary period...” my director started.

“You’re firing me?” I asked incredulously. “You’re firing me because a famous Broadway writer wanted to speak to me and people aren’t _happy_ about it?”

“Now, Emerson...there’s no need to get upset. I will of course write you a raving reference. There’s plenty of other theaters out there.”

Suddenly all of this was very funny and I started to laugh loudly, “You’re damn right, there are!” I chortled.

“We’ll pay you for the rest of the week...”

I stood up too fast and knocked my chair over, “Yeah save it. I won’t be coming in.” I said, turning to leave. I had my hand on the door when I thought of something, “You want to know what Lin really wanted to talk to me about?”

“I...I guess?”

“Lin offered me a job. He wants me to come play for _Hamilton_ . I was going to quit in a few weeks anyway. Tell _people_ about that and see how they feel.” I snapped and then left the room.

When I turned, I could see a small group of people who had been listening in. I grinned at them maliciously, “Did you get all that?” I snapped and they quickly scattered.

I went to pack up my cello and made my way to the train station. I had to wait a while on the track for the next train north. I found an empty bench away from everyone and tried to sift through the strange combination of amusement and anger that was coursing through my veins. So to distract me, I took the time to respond to Lin’s email now that my phone was charged up.

 **To: linmanuel@gmail.com** ****  
**From: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com** **  
** **Subject: wanna know something funny?**

**I got fired today. For having a conversation with you. I got fired...because “people” were “unhappy” that you came to talk to me. I almost can’t stop laughing. I also really want to punch something I’m so furious. I really hope you’re serious about me coming to work for you.**

**Wow, I forgot about that channel. I made it right after college. Haven’t made anything since I’ve been back in New York though. Don’t have the space for it.**

**Richard Rogers, just off Times Square? How early?**

**Emerson**

When I got home to my mom’s, she of course wanted to know why I was back so early. After explaining to her that I was fired, she was furious with me. I could’ve told her that I had this new job already lined up, but I could tell she didn’t want to hear it. She was already a few drinks in and I knew she wouldn’t believe me if I told her I was offered a job for a real Broadway show. So I decided to give her some space and drove myself to my favorite diner to have some dinner and check my emails in peace. As I slid into a booth and ordered a burger, I saw an email back from Lin.

 **To: linmanuel@gmail.com** ****  
**From: emerson.oconnor@gmail.com** **  
** **Subject: fuck them. come join the loooove**

**WOW! RUDE! Clearly I got you out of there just in time. (Yes of course I’m serious about you coming to work for me.)**

**We’ll find you some more space someday. You gotta break out those raps again. Cuz daaaaymn girl, you good.**

**Come by an hour before curtain and tell the person at the door you’re here to meet me. I’ll let her know you’re coming.**

**Lin**


	2. Living Arrangements

That Sunday morning, I put on a nice outfit -- a navy blue floral dress, mustard yellow cardigan, and knee high brown riding boots -- and made my way to the train station early. I used my commuter pass to catch the express train to Grand Central Station. While I sat on the train, I watched out the window with a new perspective. I was 26 years old and finally... _finally_ fulfilling my dreams. I thought after I moved back to New York from Boston because everything there fell apart that I was stepping backwards. But it seemed it was quite the opposite.

I loved taking the train. It was one of my favorite things. Especially into New York, since I hadn’t ever gotten to do it that often when I was a teenager. All my friends would go down to the city in groups to see concerts or just be tourists. But my mom never let me go. So when I did, it was a treat. I was fascinated by Harlem. All the street art and basketball courts. It was a completely different world that had only ever been a few hours away. Then the train would plunge into darkness. As my eyes adjusted, I could make out the subway tunnels as we trundled by.

I followed the crowd of people exiting the train about two hours from curtain. I breathed in the stale stench of the underground and train exhaust. I loved it. It meant I was back. It meant I was here. Where I belonged. I made my way up to the street and decided what I wanted to do. Lin asked me to come by the theater an hour before curtain, which meant with travel time I had about thirty minutes to do whatever I wanted. I decided to catch an Uber to the Nintendo store and kill time playing some games on their massive TV.

When it was time to walk over to the theater, I was feeling really good. I tried to ignore the slight sense of creeping anxiety as I pushed my way across Times Square. I never liked big crowds, but I knew I’d have to get used to it eventually. When I got to the Richard Rogers, there was already a long line of people waiting outside. All eyes were on me as I went up to the entrance doors and knocked to get the attention of a young woman standing a little ways inside. She came over to the door and cracked it open a little.

“Hi, I’m Emerson O’Connor. I’m here to see Lin.” I said as quietly as I could. The girls at the front of the queue were focused intently on me and I didn’t want to make it seem like if they just went up and knocked they could get in.

“Oh! Yes, yes. Come in quickly.” the girl said, pulling me inside.

She shut the door firmly behind us and then headed over to the ticket counter, “Hey, Candice, can you page Lin? That girl is here to see him.”

I waited in the lobby for a little while before Lin burst through a side door in jeans and a grey hoodie, “Em! My bestie! You made it!” he said cheerily, coming over to hug me.

“Yeah, of course.” I said.

“Come! Come! Everyone is so excited to meet you!”

“Everyone?” I asked nervously.

“Oh yeah! Come _mami_!”

I followed him back through the side door into a long hallway. At the end it turned a corner and I could suddenly hear voices and singing. I trailed behind him and he turned suddenly into the first room. I was immediately greeted by a room full of voices. It was a mix of words and it took me a moment to get them all sorted out. When I did, I realized I was standing in front of the majority of the cast and crew.

“Em! Meet Alex!” Lin said, tugging gently on my arm to steer me towards a tall man with curly hair and dark neatly trimmed beard.

“Emerson! Yes! It’s so great to finally meet you!” Alex said, holding out a hand for me to shake.

I took it and shook firmly, “Yes, you too.”

“I was watching some of your YouTube videos. You’re ability with the cello is very impressive. Were you also playing some other instruments on those tracks? Or were they synthesized?” he asked.

“Yes, actually...” I started. “I started on violin when I was little. I also play bass, a little ukulele, and piano. Though I can’t say I’m very good.”

“Awesome! Very cool. Well, I am so excited to get you started. I can give you a copy of the score a little later, so you can get to work.”

“Great, yeah. I’d really like to get a headstart.”

“Of course! I’ll get it to you before you head back home tonight.”

“Okay, so now everyone!” Lin said, satisfied I had met Alex. “Everyone! Meet Emerson! Our new cellist!” he announced.

I turned my focus back to the rest of the room where all eyes were on me, “Hello, everyone!”

‘Everyone’ waved and then a few people scattered. Clearly Lin had made as many people as he could come to greet me whether they had other things to do or not. A few people came over to introduce themselves including some of the ensemble members and the pit bassist. Lin insisted I meet some of the main cast members and dragged me over to where they were all convened on the couch together. I stood there feeling slightly flustered as Lin gave me all their names at once.

“You have such a pretty name, where does it come from?” an Asian woman named Pippa asked me, her smile glittering and beautiful.

“Oh, well my parents both really loved Emerson, Lake, and Palmer. But it also derives from Emer, who was the wife of this wicked cool Celtic warrior.”

“Wow! That’s so cool!” she said.

The lights in the room flashed and I checked my watch, 45 minutes to curtain. The room started emptying, people excusing themselves to head to their dressing rooms to get ready for the show. Lin decided this would be a good time for me to see the pit before he had to leave me himself. So he pointed me in the right direction, told me to come find him in his dressing room after the show, before I cautiously made my way back down the hall and through a door into the theater. Alex had his head sticking out of the trap door in the pit and he smiled when he saw me come in.

“Emerson! Come see your new home!” he said, waving me over.

He pointed to the door and I let myself in, shutting it behind me. It was a small pit, there weren’t very many live players since it was half pre-recorded beats anyway. Most of the musicians were already there, getting warmed up and tuning their instruments. Alex showed me where I would be sitting, close to the back corner of the room next to the bassist and a violinist. I introduced myself and was sincerely thanked by the violinist, who had been covering some of the cello parts on a viola in the interim. With only ten minutes to curtain, Alex showed me how to get up into the private box where Lin had reserved my seat.

I sat there alone, reading through the playbill until the lights dimmed. The music started like a explosion and I could already feel myself getting emotional at the thought that soon I would be a part of it. I tried my best to divide my attention between the music and the acting but found myself quickly getting overwhelmed. Every break between songs was enough time for me to recompose myself. I was thankful I had stuffed a pack of tissues into my purse. By intermission I was practically leaping out of my seat, ready to get started.

When the show was all done, I headed to the bathroom to reapply my makeup since I had managed to cry most of it off through the closing number. When I went to go through the door to the dressing rooms, I was stopped only until I explained my situation. Then they quickly apologized and let me pass. I headed down the hall, past the green room and then started reading the names on the doors, looking for Lin’s. I found it at the very end of the hall and knocked gently on the closed door.

“Who is it?” he called in a sing-song voice.

“It’s Emerson.” I answered back.

“Oh, come in, _mami_! Come in!”

I hesitated for a second before pushing the door open to his small dressing room. A massive L shaped couch was crammed in one corner facing his dressing table and there was a shelf stacked with books and a small TV set up with an xBox. Lin was stretched out on the chaise, already in street clothes, playing what looked to me like Destiny. When I went to shut the door again he shook his head.

“Nah, just leave it open and come chill.” he said, patting the couch next to him.

When I sat down, he passed me the controller, “Do you play video games?” he asked.

He was playing some quick matches, which were easy enough. I had only played Destiny a few times on other friend’s consoles, so I wasn’t incredibly good. But I was definitely holding my own. “Oh yeah, mostly PlayStation though.” I said.

“What did you think of the show?” he asked eagerly.

“It was incredible. I don’t think I’ve ever cried over a musical more in my life. And I’ve seen _Phantom_ and _RENT_ live.” I answered.

“I’m so glad you loved it! That’s so exciting. I think you’re going to be really happy here.”

I glanced away from the TV to smile at Lin, “I think so too.”

Suddenly someone appeared in the corner of my vision at Lin’s door, knocking on it, “Hey, I wanted to ask you about that change you were talking about for Lafayette?” they said to Lin, clearly not noticing me sitting there.

“Oh yeah! For sure.” I had just started a new match and had commandeered a sparrow, taking off to find a good sniping position to try out Lin’s high level sniper rifle. Lin started talking like my being there was commonplace, “I think in Yorktown it might be cool to play Lafayette a little more cocky. You know, man? Like...he got all his French brethren to help us. I think he would be more proud of that.”

I glanced up from the screen for just a moment to see a tall man with wild curly hair, a neatly trimmed beard, and big lips looking directly at me, “Right, of course.” he said, responding to the suggestion, eyes dragging back to Lin.

“Oh! Daveed! Duh! This is Emerson, our new cellist. Sorry, I forgot you hadn’t met yet!” Lin said quickly.

“How’s it going?” Daveed said, smirking at me.

I tried my best to look at him to respond, but I had died and respawned right in the middle of the map where it seemed every player from the other team just happened to be camping out. “Good, sorry...fucking game...right in the middle of...OH NO YOU DON’T!” I shouted at the TV as a guy tried to sneak up behind me and mele me. I heard Lin and Daveed laugh as I spun around to kill that guy, only to be shot by someone from across the map. “Fuck!”

“Wow!” Lin chuckled.

I put the controller down on the couch, “Sorry, excuse me.”

“It ain’t no thang, _chica_.” Lin said, picking up the controller for himself.

When I looked over at Daveed, who was still standing in the door, he was looking at me intensely. I stood up and took a step so I could shake hands with him, “Hi, I’m Emerson. It’s nice to meet you.”

I wasn’t especially short, but Daveed seemed to tower over me. His hand engulfed mine when he took it, shaking it gently as if he didn’t want to crush it, “Nice to meet you, too. So you’re joining our crazy little family here, huh?”

I nodded, “Yes, soon hopefully. I was just fired from my last job so...soon.” I answered.

“You were fired?” Daveed asked.

Lin laughed behind me, “Oh yeah. And it was my fault too.”

Daveed raised an eyebrow, “How was it your fault?”

“Her theater put on _In The Heights_ last week. I went to go see it, fell in love with her, so I went to offer her the job here. Apparently word got around her company and people got pissy. So her director fired her.” Lin explained for me, not looking up from his game.

“Is that right?” Daveed said.

I nodded, “Yeah, completely ridiculous. But maybe it was meant to be.”

“Maybe...” Daveed said smokily, something sparking deep down in his umber eyes.

“I promised Em dinner, do you wanna join us, D?” Lin offered, finishing his match and standing up to return the controller to the shelf.

Daveed shook his head, his curls undulating around his head, “No can do, man. Not tonight at least. Promised Rafa I’d work on some Clipping tracks with him tonight.”

“Oh is he in town?”

“No, we’ll probably Skype or something. But he’s getting antsy to hear the new stuff.”

“It’s cool, it’s cool.” Lin said.

“Well have a good night, you two.” Daveed said. He smiled down at me, flashing teeth, “Emerson...”

“Daveed.” I said, feeling my ears getting hot under his gaze.

Daveed left and I could feel Lin grinning behind me, but I chose to ignore him. When I turned around he had already moved on, shuffling around his dressing table gathering his wallet and other belongings. Once he was satisfied he had everything, I followed him out of his dressing room back down the hall. He poked his head into every room that still had people in it, seeing if anyone wanted to join us for dinner. In the end, everyone but Alex had plans already, so it seemed it would just be the three of us. We called an Uber and Alex handed me a thick, one inch binder that held the cello score.

“Don’t worry, I don’t think you’ll have a hard time picking it up.” Alex assured me. “From what I heard about your performance of _In The Heights_ , this will be a cake walk.”

The Uber arrived and we hurried to climb in before anyone noticed Lin. I was sandwiched between the two men and I opened the score to flip through some of the pages, “Oh for sure. My high school always used professional level music. So I’m used to it. We never played the arranged stuff.”

“Did I tell you? Em’s a total boss. She ripped open a callus during the performance and kept playing!” Lin raved.

Alex chuckled, “I remember you telling me, Lin.”

I shut the binder, “I’m really excited to get started. But I still need to find a place to live.” I said.

“Oh yeah! I did look into that!” Lin said.

The Uber pulled up in front of a restaurant and we clambered out onto the sidewalk. I followed the men inside and a host led us to a quiet round booth at the back of the room. I slid in, yet again flanked on both sides by the two gentlemen and tucked my purse and the binder down by my feet. Before we could even get into what Lin had looked into, a waiter came over to take our drink orders. Lin ordered a beer, Alex a glass of red wine, and I ordered a Jack and Coke. Once the waiter was gone, Lin pulled out his phone.

“So I don’t know what your budget is right now, but I have a handful of options.” he started, scrolling through his phone. “There’s a studio open in Harlem where my friend lives for $950 a month. I think one of the lighting guys was telling me his building had a vacant apartment for twelve hundred. And then Daveed mentioned the other day that he had an extra room at his place he was willing to rent out for $450.”

“Daveed as in the Daveed I met earlier?” I asked.

I could feel Alex’s smug smile, “Yeah yeah. He's got a tiny brownstone up near the tram for Roosevelt Island. Nice place.” He said.

“Well uh...I'd have to think about it of course.” I mumbled, not sure how I felt about the flush creeping up my neck or the way Alex and now Lin were smiling like they knew something I didn't.

“Of course of course! Just let me know what you want to do and I can put you in touch with whomever.” Lin said. Our waiter came back with our drinks and while the men weren't looking I took two big gulps to calm my nerves. Lin turned back to me, “I know I’ve asked a million times. But I’m just too damn excited. When do you want to start?”

“Well I suppose I could make the commute a few times this week before I figure out the living situation. When is the next rehearsal?” I asked.

“Pit has a rehearsal this Tuesday morning and I think we have a full rehearsal on...Friday morning?” Alex asked Lin.

“Yeah Friday morning.”

“Okay. Then I guess I'll start there. If we decide I'm comfortable enough with the music after Tuesday I'll see about making the commute for the shows in between.”

“That sounds perfect.” Lin said, smiling.

The men launched into a conversation of their own, leaving me to retreat into my own thoughts. While all of this was very exciting and I was ready to get back to work, it was also still somewhat overwhelming. The options Lin had given me for places to live were tricky. The place in Harlem was definitely out of the question. I had never lived in the inner city so it might not be safe for me, a skinny white chick from upstate. The other place was much too expensive for what I could afford right away. I only had about three grand saved up since I was still paying off student loans and my car. But then there was Daveed’s tiny brownstone.

On the one hand it wouldn’t have been the first time I lived with a man. But it would be the first time I lived with a man I knew nothing of. Granted even that was debatable. The only college roommate I liked had been my best friend Kevin and then I lived with my ex, then boyfriend for two years. But I left Boston for a reason and while I had been living with my mom and her boyfriend for the last three months, I was sort of looking forward to living alone again. $450 a month was a hard offer to pass up. By the time dinner was served, I decided maybe it wouldn’t hurt just to get some more information. Make a final decision from there.

Alex caught his own Uber home after dinner and Lin insisted on going to the train station with me. We stood on the sidewalk outside the station after our Uber dropped us off, “So do you have any thoughts on your living arrangements?” Lin asked with that knowing grin again, as if he was reading my mind.

“Well obviously Daveed’s offer is the most logical choice financially. But honestly I need a lot more information and time.”

“Well that’s fair. Should I pass on your number?”

I was glad for the darkness to hide my flush, “Actually if you could just ask him if it’s alright for me to get in contact with him. I think that would be best.”

“Whatever you need to do.”

“Thanks Lin. Really I mean that. I owe you everything.”

“Em, _mami_ , you deserve it. You really do, just let the love in.” he said, putting his hands on my shoulders.

“I’ll try. I’m still working through...things.” I said.

“Well go home, get some sleep. We’ll see you on Tuesday.”

He hugged me and let me go into the station. I boarded the next train north and found a seat on the side that would be closest to the river. About halfway home I received a text from Lin.

- _Texted Daveed. He said go ahead_

Another text came through with a phone number. I saved it to my contacts then put on headphones to zone out for the rest of the journey. By the time the train pulled into Cold Spring station, it was almost 10pm and I wasn’t feeling like going home quite yet. The air was close and warm for this early in spring, thick with a fog that was rolling in through the valley. I decided to go for a drive, wandering around until I ended up down on the docks of the Hudson River. I sat there wondering what to do.

At midnight, I pulled out my phone to stare at Daveed’s number. I wondered if I should text him. It was very late and I didn’t want to wake him. But the curiosity was killing me. Why had he offered his home so generously to someone he didn’t even know? He clearly hadn’t seen me before or he would’ve recognized me in Lin’s dressing room. So it wasn’t about appearances. But the way he had looked at me...no, that was nothing. Was Lin’s word worth that much? I knew I needed to let it go for the night and headed home to bed.


	3. Clawfoot Tub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I guess this chapter is a little longer than the others. Happy reading!

The next day after my mom and her boyfriend Tim left for work, I started practicing the score. At lunch, I took a break and weighed my options yet again. While I sat eating some crackers and cheese (the only thing I could find in my section of the pantry) and drinking water, I checked my phone. There was a message from Lin.

- _ Have you texted Daveed yet?  _

I made a face at my phone.

- _ No, not yet. I’ve been busy practicing _

I sent a picture of my practice space, which included my cello, a music stand, and a disheveled heap that had been the score. I had taken it out of the binder to make photocopies so I could work through it with my own notes. Lin responded a few minutes later.

- _ I really think you should. I think it would be a REALLY good idea _

I fidgeted, getting up to pace my room. I knew I could trust Lin. Or at least I thought I could. He seemed like a very trustworthy person, someone I could look up to. Someone I could turn to for advice. If he thought Daveed’s place was the best option, maybe I needed to listen to him. He hadn’t steered me wrong so far.

- _ Okay fine... _

I opened a new message and typed in Daveed’s name. I started and erased my message at least five times before sending one. 

- _ Hi, this is Emerson. We met yesterday? Lin told me you had a room for rent. I was hoping to get some more information _

I knew the best thing for me to do would be to continue practicing. So I put my phone aside and got back to work. When my mom came home from work, I took this as my cue to get lost. So I went to take a walk in the dying afternoon light. I went to one of my favorite trails and wandered into the woods. There was a dry log a few meters in, so I took a seat and checked my phone. The first thing that popped up was a response from Daveed.

- _ Yo! It’s good to hear from you. Yeah, it’s just a room but I’m not home much so you’d have free reign of the rest of the house _

I chewed my lip and formulated a response.

- _ Any other expenses? Cable, electricity? _

He answered quickly which shocked me.

- _ Nope! I’ve got a washer and dryer you can use, too _

I tried to take deep breaths of the earthy smells of the woods around me. It was too good to be true. After everything I had been through, it was much too good to be true. I sat there until the waves of anxiety passed. When I looked down, Daveed had texted me again.

- _ Do you want to come see it before you make a decision? _

This both made me feel better and worse. I tried to ignore the anxiety bubbling in my stomach though and accept that he was just trying to be nice.

- _ Actually yes, I think that would be a good idea _

_ -For sure! When will you be in the city next? _

_ -Tomorrow, pit rehearsal in the morning _

_ -Dope! Are you so excited? Let’s grab lunch after and I’ll show you the pad _

I couldn’t help but smile. Then I wondered how he got me to smile so easily through a text. It felt like I only ever smiled out of politeness lately. But this smile, albeit small, was genuine.

- _ Yes, very excited. Was practicing earlier. The score is nuts! Lunch sounds good. Meet me at the theater? _

_ -I know! Alex is a madman. See you at the theater tomorrow Em  _

I sat in the woods a little longer until it started getting really dark. When I got home, I sat to eat dinner with my mom and Tim. I told her I already had another job at a theater in the city but she was skeptical. I was going to show her the score but then she got snippy so I let it go. I went to bed early, knowing I’d have to catch an early train in the morning if I wanted to get to rehearsal on time. I fell asleep thinking about the texts from Daveed, wondering what lunch would be like.

In the morning I woke feeling excited and anxious. I packed up my cello and a tote bag with my music before trying to get dressed. I nervously sifted through my clothes, trying to decide what to wear. I nearly put on a knee length dress when I realized I had been planning my outfit around lunch with Daveed. Feeling ridiculous and now running a little late, I pulled on a simple grey henley and a flowy yellow floral printed maxi skirt. On my way out the door, I knotted the bottom of my skirt so I wouldn’t trip and grabbed my black leather jacket all before my mom left for work.

I could barely sit still on the train. So I pulled out my score and practiced the fingering silently on the back of my forearm. Once in Grand Central I stopped for a bagel and coffee and debated my options getting to the theater with my cello. In the end, I decided to take the subway. I had ridden the T in Boston a thousand times with my cello in college and after. How hard could it be to navigate the NYC subway system?

With my bagel in one hand, coffee in the other, and my tote bag clamped tightly under my arm I dove into the station with tracks headed to Times Square. I stood on the crowded train, munching my bagel and bracing myself with just the sheer weight of my cello and years of practice. Times Square was just starting to wake at 9am as I crossed it to get to the theater. I let myself in, waving to the ticket girl who had let me in on Sunday and headed for the pit. Alex was the only one down there when I poked my head in the door.

“Hey, we’re going to be in the rehearsal space today. Down the hall past Lin’s dressing room.” he said.

I nodded and made my way through the back of the theater. The closer I got to the rehearsal room, the louder it got. It seemed at least a few players were already there getting warmed up. When I walked in, I saw it was only three and I felt glad that I wasn’t late. The bassist was there, so I decided to sit by him, pulling up a chair and getting my cello unpacked. When I pulled out my score, with it’s taped on photocopied pages, he chuckled.

“Oh so you’re one of those.” he said.

I raised an eyebrow at him, twisting awkwardly behind my cello to see him, “What? I like to make notes.”

“‘ _ Don’t fucking blow your load.’” _ He read, squinting at the pages as I flipped through them. “Sure are nice to yourself.”

I laughed, “Gotta get my own attention somehow!”

A herd of players came in and got started tuning up, making the room even louder. Ten minutes later, Alex made his way to the piano and put his music down, spreading it out on top. Not too long later, we all got down to business. It felt amazing, playing with a group of people who were at the same level as me. In college I had always felt a little bored by my peers. Then at the theater in Queens it was even worse especially since most of the players were nearly twice my age. Sitting there in a room of 20 and 30 somethings all at the height of their game, I finally felt at home.

At eleven we stopped for a ten minute break and I went to get a bottle of water from the green room since I had forgotten to put my canteen into my bag that morning. I was sipping some water and rolling a knot out of my shoulder when I heard someone walk past in the hall then double back. When I looked up, I saw Lin come in with the biggest grin on his face. He came over and fist bumped me.

“Em! How’s it going,  _ chica _ ? Are you loving it?”

“Oh for sure! This is amazing. Seriously...these people. They’re on my  _ level _ .” I said, feeding off Lin’s energy.

“I knew you would fit right in. This is where you belong. This is the you you needed to be.”

I nodded, “I feel so at home and I’ve only been here for like two hours.”

“I’m glad to hear that. We’re one big family here. Everyone. Cast, crew and pit. Everyone counts. All the parts make a whole.”

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be off like resting your voice or something?” I asked.

Lin shrugged, “Wanted to sit in for a little bit of rehearsal. See if there was anything I wanted to adjust. You know how it goes.”

“Oh, alright. Well, I should probably get back in there.”

“I’ll walk with you.” Lin said, following me out of the green room into the hall. He hesitated for a moment, “So did you talk to Daveed?”

“Yeah I did...we’re having lunch later and then he’s going to show me his place. See what I think, you know?” I said.

“Oh...good! I think you’ll really like it. He has a nice place.” Lin said.

“Why do I get the feeling you  _ want _ me to live with Daveed?” I asked.

Lin lifted his eyes to the ceiling, trying to look innocent, “I just want you to have a nice place to live. Only the best for you right? Gotta give you the special treatment.” he teased.

We entered the rehearsal room, “Lin, you may be the death of me.”

“I certainly hope so,  _ chica _ .”

About an hour later, we were playing through the finale when I glanced up and saw Daveed standing just inside the door of the rehearsal room. I was suddenly very aware that he was watching me and wanted to know how long he had been standing there. Clearly everyone else wasn’t bothered by his presence but I wondered what they would think when I left with him. Alex called it a day about twenty minutes later and everyone stood up to stretch and pack up. Alex and Lin came over to me as I latched up my cello case.

“So I think you sound fantastic. Really you’re melting right in.” Alex said.

Lin nodded, “I agree. Sounds like you’ve been with us the whole time.”

“Thanks, I put in a lot of work yesterday. I’m glad it’s paid off.”

“I appreciate it.” Alex said, smiling and patting me on the shoulder. “Do you think you want to play tomorrow and Thursday night? Or do you want to wait until Friday after full rehearsal?”

I chewed my lip, “Maybe just Thursday night? I think I’d like to have one more day to really get it into my fingers. There’s still some bars that trip me up a little. I’d hate to make those mistakes live.”

Alex nodded sagely, “Of course. That’s fine. Well, you know the drill. Black on black on black. But it doesn’t have to be pants or anything specific. We’re not picky. Be there at least fifteen before curtain to warm up.”

“Great, I’ll be there.” I said.

Alex thanked me and then left to gather his music. Lin stayed where he was as Daveed came over, “Yo, you sounded awesome! Lin wasn’t kidding.”

I willed myself not to blush, “Thanks, yeah. I was pretty happy with how that went.”

Lin was eyeing the two of us, grinning wildly, “So where are you two crazy kids going to lunch?” he asked.

Daveed shrugged, “I wasn’t sure what Em liked, so I was waiting to see.”

I shoved my music back into my tote, “Oh, I’m not picky. Wherever. What are you hungry for?”

“Do you like sushi?”

“Yeah, sushi is good.”

“Dope, I know just the place.”

Lin looked about ready to explode with excitement, “Well! Have fun guys!” he said cheerily.

Daveed and I both smiled at him, confused about his eagerness, “Oh, is there somewhere I can leave my cello until later? I probably shouldn’t drag it around to lunch with me.”

“Yeah, you can put it in my dressing room. I’ll be hanging around for the rest of the day until the show later.” Lin offered.

“Okay, thanks.” I said.

“I’ll go call an Uber.” Daveed said. “Meet me at the stage door?”

“Sure, I’ll be right there.” I said, following the two men out of the rehearsal room and down the hall.

I stopped into Lin’s dressing room and tried to find a good place to leave my cello that was least in the way, “Okay, well I’ll be back in a few hours. Take good care of her. She’s special.” I said, patting my case.

Lin flopped onto his couch, “I will. You have fun, okay? Really enjoy yourself.” he said.

I quirked an eyebrow at him, “What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing!” he said defensively. “I just want you to enjoy yourself.”

“Okay...” I said. “Bye Lin.”

“ _ Adios chica _ .”

I headed out of his dressing room and down the hall. I found Daveed waiting for me next to the stage door just like he said, looking down at his phone. When he heard me coming he looked up with a smile.  I pulled on my jacket and untangled the long strap from my clutch wallet to strap it over my chest. He looked at one more thing on his phone before slipping it in his pocket. I stepped up to him and smiled up at him.

“So where are we headed first?” I asked.

“Lunch I think. I’m starving.” he said.

“Great, me too.”

“I think the Uber should be here.” he said, pulling his phone back out and loading up the app. “Yeah, they’re coming around the corner.”

“Cool.” I said watching the little car pull up in front of the theater on his screen before he put his phone back in his pocket again.

He pulled open the door a few inches and peeked out before shutting it again. “We’ll have to do this quick. There’s a line of people waiting outside for the lotto.” he said.

“Okay.” I said, suddenly anxious again.

“Alright, let’s do this.” he said.

He pulled the door open and ushered me through it first. I could see the Uber waiting on the opposite side of the street. As soon as I stepped down on the sidewalk, I heard a rush of chatter as people noticed Daveed coming out. He half apologized to some of the people closest to the stage door as we hurried away. I pulled open the door to the Uber and slid into the seat, scooting across so Daveed could get in behind me. When he shut the door, I chanced a look back to see that most of the line was watching us. But then the Uber pulled away and I turned back to face front.

“You two must be actors in the show, huh?” the driver asked.

Daveed left his expression blank, “Something like that.” he answered.

We rode in silence the whole way to the restaurant and when we pulled up, Daveed thanked the driver and climbed out. We went in and got two seats at the sushi bar. We ordered drinks and Daveed insisted on ordering two shots of sake. I had never tried sake before but I didn’t want him to know that. Fortunately I had always had a good tolerance for alcohol, so the shot went down reasonably smooth. While we watched the sushi chef making our meals, he asked me lots of questions.

He wanted to know what made me choose theater, what made me choose cello. He asked about where I grew up and where I went to college. When he asked why I left Boston, I dodged his question by saying I wanted to move closer to try to get a job on Broadway. Then I turned some of the questions on him. I learned that he went to Brown and ran track. He told me about his side career as a rapper for his group Clipping. We finally landed on common ground when I learned he rapped on a track for Watsky, a rapper who went to Emerson College in Boston.

“Yeah, I know Watsky. I met him a few times. I did some bar shows with the quartet I had in college and he was there. Super cool guy.” I said, sticking a piece of sushi in my mouth.

“That kid is fucking dope. The way he spins words is wild.” Daveed agreed, nodding. “He wrote this crazy track about a post apocalyptic America where robot clowns rule the world and Justin Bieber is the leader of the free world. It was insane.”

“Wow, I’m gonna have to listen to that one.”

“I think it’s on his new album. The one that just came out a few months ago. Uh...I think it’s called Times Infinity.”

“Okay, I’ll look it up.” I said, pulling out my phone to make a note. “I’m always looking for new music.”

“You probably shouldn’t look up Clipping.” Daveed said.

“Why not?” I asked, putting my phone away.

“It’s pretty...hard stuff.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I don’t think you’d be into it.”

“Maybe...maybe not.” I said.

“I guess you’re right. I don’t know what you like.”

We finished our lunch and Daveed payed the bill before we headed back out to the street. “So, we’re not very far from my place if you just want to walk. Get an idea of the neighborhood.” he suggested.

I shrugged, “That’s fine. It’s pretty nice out today.”

“Cool.” he said, sticking his hands in his pockets and leading me off down the street. “So it’s not super close to any subway stations. Lexington and 59th is the closest. By the Apple Store. But there’s always Uber if the weather is nasty.”

“That’s okay. I lived about half a mile from the closest T station, so I’m used to walking in crap weather.”

“Oh, right yeah.” he said.

We turned a corner onto a short block of brownstones, “Well this is my hood.” he said and I tried not to giggle.

“It’s nice, lots of trees.” I said as we walked under freshly budding trees planted every ten feet or so.

“Here we are.” he said, stopping in front of one about halfway down the street. There was a narrow alley going down on either side and a fence with a gate around the bottom of the stairs. He opened the gate and climbed up the stairs to the door, pulling out his keys. I followed him, shutting the gate behind me as he unlocked the door. He pushed the door open and ushered me inside ahead of him.

The hall was dim, light filtering around the corner of a short wall blocking off the entry from the massive open living room and kitchen. The ceilings were at least ten feet high and a large chandelier hung over the couch in the living room. The living room was painted a deep, rich teal color, matching the color of the kitchen cabinets. Along the right wall was a stairwell heading to the second floor. Daveed shut the door behind me and moved into the living room.

“Well this is it. There’s a little powder room down here and the door to the basement where the washer and dryer are is around the corner here.” he said, leading me down the hall towards the kitchen. “I don’t cook very often so the fridge could basically be all yours.”

I peered around, nervous to touch anything, as if I were walking around in a museum, “Oh...right.” I said quietly.

“The bedrooms are upstairs.” he said, leading me back down the hall to the stairs. I followed him up and he stopped on the landing, “This is my room.”

He pointed at the door to the left of the landing and I nodded, “Okay.”

“Then down here, I left the good room open. This would be your room.” he said, turning to go down the hall.

I followed him back towards the front of the house and he pushed open the door at the end of the hall, revealing a bright, sunlit room. It was almost completely empty, except for a few boxes and cans of paint. The three of the walls were bright white and the right wall was exposed brick, which seemed such a stark contrast to the rest of the house where most of the walls were drywalled and painted in rich jewel tones or such a dark grey it was nearly black. The ceilings were slightly lower than the first floor, but the room still felt excessively massive. The far wall had four windows, two of which bumped out with a window bench underneath.

“There’s a walk in closet and the bathroom is over here.” Daveed said, stepping around to the right of the door.

He pushed open a door that led to the closet and then to another door beyond that which he revealed was the bathroom. The bathroom was almost more magnificent than the rest of the house. There was a large walk in shower on the left and a rectangular sink set into a sleek vanity along the right wall. But at the back there was a big, clawfoot tub illuminated by a skylight in the sloped ceiling overhead. I was tempted to go sit in the tub, just to see what it was like. As I stood there, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the luxury of it all. I had never been in a place so extravagant.

“And you only want $450 a month for all of this?” I asked incredulously.

Daveed was leaning against the door to the bathroom, “Yeah, I make plenty. And it would be nice for the house to have someone actually living in it for once.” he admitted.

“I...this is...your house is...really beautiful.” I stammered, looking back at the clawfoot tub longingly.

“You can paint the walls whatever color you want. And I can help you out if you need to get furniture.”

I shook my head, fiddling nervously with one of the zippers on my jacket, “You don’t have to...I can figure something out. I still have some savings.”

All of my furniture I was forced to leave behind in Boston when I fled. The only item I was able to save was the Dutch modern chair my grandmother gave me when I was moving into my first apartment with Kevin. Everything else stayed in my boyfriend’s apartment. All the money I had spent getting us furniture, all the time I spent putting together IKEA pieces, left behind because I had no choice but to run. I left in the night, while my boyfriend was out at the bar, struggling to fit my chair and all the rest of my belongings into my car. Thinking about this while standing in this beautiful bathroom nearly brought me to tears. But then I remembered Daveed standing there and sucked in a deep breath.

“Hey don’t worry about it. You pick stuff out and send it to me. I’ll get it delivered.” he said calmly.

I looked at him and chewed my lip, “I don’t know if I can live here.”

“What do you mean? Of course you can. You love it, I can see you drooling over the tub alone.” he joked, waving a hand at the tub.

I glanced at it again, sighing, “Why are you doing this? You don’t even know me. I could be an awful person, an awful roommate.”

“I highly doubt either of those things. But if you want I could be a really mean landlord. Take a really long time to repair stuff and make you pay for like...dusting or something.” he offered.

This actually made me smile, “This is all just so unbelieveable. From Lin finding me in Queens to this. It’s insane. I’m dreaming. I must be.”

Daveed stood up straight and then came over, reaching out with a big hand to brush his hand over my hair, smoothing it down over my ear, “You’re not dreaming. And from what Lin has told me, you deserve it all. From what I can tell just from talking with you today, you deserve it all and more. So let me just do this for you. Okay?”

I nodded, transfixed by his eyes and the way the sunlight made them glitter, “Okay.”

We went back into the bedroom and I sat down in the window, looking down at the street. I could see the tram for Roosevelt Island and the intricate steel structure of the Queensboro Bridge. It felt so New York. It could only get more stereotypical if I could see the Empire State Building. The sun was warm on my face and I could picture myself sitting there drinking tea and reading books. When I glanced over, Daveed was watching me with an almost imperceptible smile on his face. 

“Are you ready to go? I have to get back to the theater.” He said. 

I nodded, “Oh, yeah of course.” I said, taking another glance out the window. 

“If you want to stay, I can give you the keys...” he offered. “I just figured you'd want more time to think.”

He pulled them out of his pocket and their twinkle echoed in the empty room, “You already made keys?”

“I have three sets. The other set is at Lin’s house for safe keeping.” He explained. 

I got up and crossed the room, taking the keys from his outstretched hand, “Well...okay then.”

“So does this mean you're good?”

I nodded slowly and then smiled at him, “Yeah. I think I'm good.”


	4. Yep, Grey

The next day I sorted out the best course of action for getting the few possessions I still had down to my new home. I had been sleeping on my old twin mattress from when I was a kid since my double bed was still in Boston. Most of the things I had stolen away with were piled in heaps or still in the suitcases I hastily threw together the night I left. I could bring a suitcase down at a time, but I was worried what kind of questions Daveed might ask. So I decided, for normalities sake I would need to pack everything into boxes.

After driving to the local U Haul and stopping for an afternoon snack, I returned with a small stack of used boxes and a large roll of packing tape. My mom was home when I came in, struggling to get through the door with the boxes under my armpit. She asked me what I was planning to do with the boxes, if I was going back to Boston to be with my boyfriend. When I explained to her, once again, that no I was never going back to Boston to be with my boyfriend because he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore, things got heated. We argued over the same things until finally Tim came home and diffused things enough to let me shut myself in my room and start packing.

I texted Daveed around 9pm that night while sitting on my floor putting things into my boxes.

- _ Hey, do you know if there’s a good place for me to park my car for a day down there? _

His response came in about an hour later, most likely just getting out of a show.

- _ Yeah, I know some good lots. Why? _

_ -I want to bring down some stuff in the morning before I play tomorrow night. Maybe paint the room? If that’s okay? _

_ -Oh yeah...let me find you an address. Will you need help bringing stuff in? _

I considered it, getting up to lift my boxes. They weren’t very heavy and I only had three. The rest would be my two suitcases of clothes and shoes, my TV which I had returned to it’s original box, my electric and concert cello, my violin, and my grandmother's chair. I figured I’d bring most of it down and then pack a weekend bag to last me until I could get a mattress and some furniture. Once I had someplace to sleep, I could really move in. I opened my laptop to look into Casper mattresses since I remembered hearing good things and I thought their delivery might be quick.

- _ No I think I’ll be alright...I don’t have much. Thanks tho _

I learned there was a Casper mattress store in the city, so I ordered one. When I got to the delivery address, I realized I didn’t yet know it.

- _ Btw, what’s our address? _

Daveed answered moments later with the address and followed it up with another message.

- _ I’ll be around all day tomorrow if you do need help _

I put through the order for the mattress and went to do some more googling. I glanced at Daveed’s message, wondering if it was necessary for me to reply. Finally he texted me again.

- _ What color do you think you’re going to paint? _

I wasn’t going to have time for furniture shopping on Friday with not only with full cast and crew rehearsal but also the show that night. Saturdays were also two show days, which meant I would either have to have furniture delivered or figure out how to get some early on Sunday morning before the matinee. Deciding it was time to take a break from my furniture conundrum, I thought about Daveed’s question.

- _ That question is too difficult for me to answer right now. Please check back later... _

He replied quickly, despite the fact that it was getting very late.

- _ You don’t have much time to decide _

I huffed and went back to my boxes, replying without thinking.

- _ I know this. But...this is a big deal for me _

_ -Why’s that? Because you’re moving in with the hottest guy on Broadway?  _

I flushed bright red. I hadn’t expected that.

- _ No... _

Fortunately he was merciful and let me off the hook.

_-Aight aight...I’ll let you get to bed. I gotta get some sleep myself!_

I finished my packing and then loaded the boxes, my TV, and my grandmother’s chair into my car. I realized I wasn’t going to be able to fit both my cello cases, my violin case, and my large suitcase with the majority of my clothes in it. I could only fit one cello and my violin. But at least the suitcase and my electric cello would be easy enough to get on the train on Friday morning and I could call an Uber from Grand Central to get me to the theater. I went to bed that night formulating a plan for my day in my head.

First thing in the morning, I initiated my plan. I got the last of my things squeezed into my car, put together a change of clothes for work, and then drove to the hardware store to buy a can of paint. I stood in front of the wall of paint sample chips for ten minutes, pulling up colors and putting them away before I finally decided on a simple, neutral grey. I didn’t know how much paint I would need to cover the room, so I settled for enough to cover at least the wall opposite the brick wall. While the store attendant was mixing up my paint, I walked through the aisles getting some paint rollers and other painting necessities.

By the time I was done at the hardware store, Daveed had texted me the address for the parking lot. I thanked him and let him know I was on my way down, bracing myself for my first drive in NYC. I had driven a few times through downtown Boston and hated it every time, but I had never anticipated ever needing to drive in New York. The closer my GPS told me I was getting to Manhattan, the more anxiety I began to feel. When I finally pulled up in front of Daveed’s house, I was practically shaking.

I double parked in the fire lane in front of the house, taking the risk that I’d get ticketed or possibly towed, and pulled out my cello to bring that inside first. When I unlocked the door and stepped inside, I could see Daveed down the hall in the kitchen. He was sitting at the table, eating what looked like scrambled eggs on toast and reading something on his phone. When he heard me come in, he looked up and grinned.

“You made it!” he called.

“Oh yeah...barely.” I mumbled to myself.

“Where did you park?” he asked.

“I double parked in the fire lane.” I answered.

He stood up quickly and came down the hall, “Shit, well then definitely let me help you get your stuff at least in the door so you can go move it.”

I nodded, giving in, “Thanks.”

He followed me outside and made quick work of my boxes, “You weren’t kidding about not having much.” he said, going back out for my chair while I retrieved my violin, the can of paint, and the painting supplies.

“Yeah, I had to leave my suitcase of clothes at my mom’s and my other cello, too. I’ll bring them down on the train though tomorrow.”

“Oh, right right.”

We dumped everything in the foyer and then I pulled my keys back out of my pocket, heading back for the door. I took a deep breath, steadying myself for another drive through the city. The parking lot was only a few blocks away, but it was far enough for me to feel anxious all over again. Daveed seemed to notice and leaned over to look at my face.

“You alright?” he asked.

“Oh yeah. Totally...just trying to grow some balls so I can go drive my car around the city again.” I answered.

He laughed, “Do you want me to go with you?” he offered.

I shook my head, “No...I don’t know...maybe?” I stammered.

“I’ll get some shoes. Don’t leave without me.” he said, running up the stairs two at a time.

A few moments later he jogged back down the steps, now with sneakered feet. We headed out of the house, Daveed locking up behind us, and I climbed in behind the wheel of my car. Daveed came around and climbed into the passenger seat, buckling up before adjusting the seat back a bit. I started the car, took another deep breath and then looked over Daveed’s shoulder to make sure I had room to pull out onto the street. No one was coming, so I started off.

“So I take it you don’t drive a lot in the city?” he asked.

I shook my head robotically, looking around the corner as I followed the GPS to the parking lot, “No, not really. I thought Boston was bad...but this...this is on another level.”

Daveed chuckled, “You’re not going that far.”

“Not right now. But I already had to drive through like the whole city to get here. And later I’ll have to do it  _ in the dark _ .”

“I think you’ll be alright.”

Trying to distract myself, I changed the subject. “I ordered a mattress. I think it’ll probably be delivered today or tomorrow. I’m hoping they’ll give me a time.”

“Do you have a bed frame?”

“No, but that’s fine for now. I’ll order some furniture from IKEA tomorrow or something.”

“You don’t have  _ any _ furniture?”

The conversation was edging dangerously close to things I didn’t want to get into at that moment, “No, I had to leave it behind in Boston when I moved back to New York.” When I decided this answer might bring up more questions, I added a small white lie, “Wasn’t worth the cost to put it in all storage since I wouldn’t have room for it at my mom’s.”

“Oh that’s too bad.”

I nodded, “It’s alright. I’m sure my first paycheck from  _ Hamilton _ will be way more than I’ve been used to.”

“My offer still stands if you need help getting some furniture.”

“Thanks. I’ll see.” I said as we pulled up to the parking lot. I turned in and rolled down my window to speak to the attendant, “Hi, I’d like to park my car for the day.”

“No problem. Drive on in, we’ll take care of it.” the man said, pointing farther into the lot.

I drove in and put my car in park, leaving the key in the ignition as I checked to make sure I hadn’t left anything important. Daveed climbed out and walked over to talk to the attendant as he came over. By the time I had gotten out and searched through my purse for my wallet, Daveed had already paid the parking attendant. Flushing and awkwardly putting my wallet back into my purse, I confirmed with the attendant that I would be back before 11pm that night to pick it up. Once everything was arranged, Daveed and I headed off to walk back to his house.

“You didn’t have to do that.” I grumbled.

“I wanted to.” he answered, grinning coyly. “So what color did you decide for the room?”

“Grey.”

“Grey?”

I nodded, “Yep, grey.”

“I would not have picked you for grey.” he said.

“Why is that?”

“Because of the three times I’ve seen you in person, you’ve been wearing yellow.” he said.

I looked down, realizing I had pulled on my yellow Patagonia fleece that morning, “Oh well...this was unintentional.”

He grinned, “Is yellow your favorite color?”

“No, green is my favorite color.”

“Well, yellow isn’t too far from green.”

“I guess not.” We continued walking, not far from the house. “What is your favorite color?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”

“Your house is mostly painted teal.”

“I guess I like teal, yeah.”

We turned onto our street and a few moments later passed through the gate and up the stairs. Once inside, Daveed insisted on helping me carry everything upstairs. Inside the big empty room, my few boxes and my chair looked somewhat pathetic. I tried not to wince at the sight of it. Fortunately Daveed left me to go for a run and I got started painting. At two o’clock I got an email saying my mattress would be delivered within the hour.

When the doorbell rang twenty minutes later, I did not hear Daveed answer it or come up the stairs because I had my headphones blasting. I didn’t even hear when he called out my name in the hall before pushing into the room. It wasn’t until he finally dropped the box that contained my mattress on the floor did I realize he was there.

“Oh! God you scared me!” I said, scrabbling for my headphones.

Daveed was grinning, “I called for you like four times.” he said.

“Sorry...I tend to zone out with my headphones on.”

“I got you.” he said with a shrug. “Signed for your mattress. Told the guy I’m your landlord. It was kind of cool.”

“Oh yeah? Well thanks.” I said.

I felt wet paint drip onto my hand and realized I was still holding the roller, quickly putting it down into the tray. “Wow! You work fast! You’re almost done.” Daveed said.

I glanced back at my now mostly grey wall, “Yeah, I’ve done a lot of room painting. It’s kind of relaxing.”

“You sounded like you were enjoying yourself. I could hear you singing when I got back from my run.”

I flushed, “Ah...yeah...can’t help myself sometimes.”

“You have a good voice, have you ever thought of going into music?” he joked, nodding at my cello.

I rolled my eyes, “You know I haven’t yet...”

“Did I hear you rapping under your breath just now, too?”

I turned even redder, “Maybe?” I said slowly.

“Wait, do you got rap game, too?”

“Really? I would have thought Lin’d shown everyone that video.”

“There’s a  _ video _ ?” Daveed exclaimed. “Oh I gotta see this!”

I wanted to die, “Do I have to show it to you?”

“Yes, absolutely you do.”

I sighed, it was my own fault for bringing it up. I wiped my hands on a paper towel and pulled out my laptop. I brought up the video and pressed play, leaving Daveed to watch it while I finished up painting. I winced as he hooted over my minimal rap skills. When the video was over I heard him click through to more. Three videos later and the wall was done.

“A’ight. I thought you were good before but now I’m like shell shocked. What are you?”

I shrugged, gathering my supplies, “A person I think.”

“You think?”

“Yep, pretty sure.”

I went to go wash up in the bathroom and Daveed followed me, “So do you have much more stuff to bring down?”

“Nope, just my electric cello and my suitcase of clothes.”

“An electric cello? They make those?”

“Yeah, I use it to practice when I don’t want to make too much noise. I can plug headphones into it, so it barely makes any sound. Kind of like playing an electric guitar without an amp. It was great in the dorms in college.” I explained.

“That’s really cool.”

I did my best to rinse the paint roller thoroughly before propping it up in the shower to dry. We went back into the bedroom and I went to tackle opening my mattress. I searched around until I found three printed directions.  _ Step one, open the box and remove the mattress. _ I did as I was instructed and then propped the box to read the next step.  _ Step two, remove plastic covering and allow the mattress to expand. _ I ripped open the plastic and watched as the mattress filled with air and unfolded itself across the slippery wood floor. When it seemed done, I checked the last direction.  _ Step three, enjoy your new favorite mattress! _

“Well, there it is.” I said.

“Very nice.” Daveed answered. “Are you hungry? I was going to order some food before going to the theater.” At that moment my stomach growled loudly. “Sounds like it.”

“Ah...I think I forgot to eat today.”

“You forgot?”

I waved my hand loosely, “Yeah...”

“Well, what do you want to eat? You choose, I chose lunch.”

“Hmm...” I said thinking. “Tacos?”

“Tacos it is.” he said, heading out of the room. He called from the hall, “Steak, chicken, veggie?”

“Sweet potato, please!” I called back.

I decided to get changed, putting on a pair of loose black tulip hem gaucho pants and a fitted black v neck tee. I had messily knotted my long auburn hair behind my head, so I took a moment to brush it out and tie it into a neater pony tail. I heard Daveed answer the door for the delivery guy, so I went downstairs to join him. I found him in the kitchen, laying out our meal at the big wood slab table. There were two tin take away containers, a handful of cardboard tubs, and a few small plastic containers with salsa and guacamole. Daveed went to the fridge and pulled it open.

“Beer?” he offered.

I shook my head, “Water is fine. I want to be sharp tonight.”

He pulled out two glasses and filled them from the tap on the fridge door, then came to sit down with me, “Are you nervous?”

“No, not really. Mostly excited.” Daveed opened one of the cardboard tubs revealing dirty Mexican rice. He dumped some into his tin tray with his tacos and then pushed it towards me. “Thanks. Were you nervous for your first show? Acting for the first time?”

“Oh yeah for sure. Completely terrified.”

“Somehow I can’t picture you getting scared of anything.”

Daveed paused and I could feel his eyes on me, working out what I just said, “Well I hadn’t really sung before. Only just rapped. So that was new.”

“I can hardly tell now. You seem to blend right in with all the other theater kids.” I replied, trying to sound polite.

“Thanks, it’s a lot of fun. A change of pace from my other work.”

We chatted a little longer, then cleaned up and put the leftovers in the fridge. Daveed and I went upstairs to our rooms to gather our things and Daveed called an Uber to take us to the theater. We met it outside and I loaded my cello into the trunk. The driver was chatty, making polite conversation, so we patiently responded to him. The line outside the theater was busy so Daveed and I had to rush in and I wondered if anyone would recognize me from the day before.

As soon as I was inside, Daveed went to his dressing room and I went to go put my cello in the pit. No one was there yet, so I made my way back to Lin’s dressing room. I knocked lightly on the cracked door, “Hey Lin.”

Lin was sprawled out on his couch, reading and he looked over his shoulder at me, “Hey Em! Come in, take a load off!”

I let myself in and plopped down on the chaise pulling a pillow into my lap, “How’s it going Lin?”

“I’m good. How was your day? How was your lunch yesterday?”

“Good, good! I decided to move in to Daveed’s place. It’s really nice...I don’t think I could’ve said no if I tried.”

Lin laughed, “I can understand that. When do you move in?”

“I actually drove in this morning with most of my stuff. Couldn’t fit a few things. But it’s stuff I can bring down on the train tomorrow.”

“What about furniture and stuff? You couldn’t have fit all that in your car.” Lin pointed out.

I shook my head, squeezing the pillow, “No, I don’t have any. I had to leave it behind when I...when I left Boston.”

Lin squinted, clearly noticing my hesitation, “Oh that’s too bad. Do you at least have a bed to sleep on? A chair to practice?”

“I bought a Casper mattress, had it delivered today actually. And I have a vintage Dutch modern chair my grandmother gave me. I’ll order some stuff from IKEA tomorrow or something.”

“Well I’m happy for you!” Lin said, nudging me with his foot.

“I painted a wall grey today. I’m kind of excited to get everything together. To have my own space again.”

“Don’t you have your own room at your mom’s?”

“Yeah but after I stayed in Boston, she repainted, moved a bunch of her stuff in. Even before that, in Boston with my ex, it wasn’t really my space.”

“You’ll have to invite everyone over, throw a party!”

I grinned, “It’s still Daveed’s house, you know.”

“Oh he won’t mind.”

“What won’t I mind?” Daveed asked, his big head of curls sticking around the doorframe.

“If Em throws a house party at your place.” Lin answered.

Daveed raised an eyebrow at me, “Don’t look at me. It wasn’t my idea.” I said, putting up my hands in defense.

“No, I think it’s a good idea. Been a while since I’ve had a good house party.” Daveed said.

“See! What’d I tell ya?” Lin said, holding out a hand.

The two men fist bumped, “So are we sticking with those adjustments from last night?” Daveed asked.

Lin thought for a moment, stroking his chin, “Yeah, man. Keep it. I think I liked it.” he answered.

Daveed nodded, “Okay, gotta get into costume. Catch y’all later.” he said, holding up a hand as he left again.

“So are you two already like totally best buds?” Lin asked as he got up to move to his dressing table.

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t know what constitutes ‘best buds’ in the world of Daveed.”

“Ah well you’ll get there. I’m sure.” Lin winked at me in his mirror.

I crawled to the end of the couch to reach for the xBox controller, turning on the TV, “If you say so.”


	5. Adrenaline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, sorry!

The show went even better than I thought. The pure energy of playing live and the sound of the audience had me practically jumping out of my chair while I played. I wasn’t sure if the other players usually got that hype, but they seemed to feed off my excitement. Alex even admitted during intermission that it was sounding the best it ever had. After curtain everyone packed up for the night and I caught Alex to ask about certain things that didn’t seem to fit with my notes. After answering my questions, he told me I could feel free to leave my cello in the pit since I would be back for rehearsal first thing in the morning anyway. I thanked him and went to pack up my music, to at least take that home with me.

When I finally climbed out of the pit and went to leave the theater via the stage door, I found Daveed waiting there. “What are you still doing here?” I asked, tugging my Patagonia fleece back over my head.

“Figured you’d might want back up going to pick up your car.” he said.

I eyed him suspiciously, “Oh, well I don’t have my cello. So I was just going to hop the subway.”

“It’s dark, New York isn’t as safe for little white girls as Boston.” he answered, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets.

“Little white girls, huh?”

He made a face and rolled his eyes, “You know what I mean.”

“Sure thing, D.” I said with a shrug and then pushed through the stage door onto the sidewalk.

“I’m still going with you.” he insisted, following after me.

“I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.” I said, wondering to myself if I actually meant that.

“I believe you can. But I’m still going with you.”

We came up to the corner where 46th opened into Times Square, “If you insist.” I said, bouncing on my toes as I turned to walk backwards, giving him a grin.

“So what did you think of your first night?” he asked as we crossed Times Square to the entrance to the subway.

“It was incredible. I feel like I could jump a building, I’ve got so much adrenaline right now.”

“Yeah I know that feeling.” he laughed.

“I don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight.” I said as we walked down the stairs into the subway station.

“At least it’ll keep you awake for your drive back north.”

We jogged through the turnstiles to catch the train that was just pulling into the station, “Yeah, between that and my anxiety driving in the city, I’m loaded.” I said, sliding into a seat away from the rest of the people on the train.

Daveed sat down next to me, “Don’t crash your car with all that energy.”

“I won’t. I’ll probably take the long way home. Through the hills. Burn it off. Besides, I wanna really smell the woods one last time.”

“One last time? You make it sound like you’ll never go back.”

I shrugged, “You know what I mean.”

We got off two stops later to transfer to another train. I told him about how I had been walking in the woods a lot since I moved back from Boston. I didn’t tell him it was because I felt like I could hide in the woods. I didn’t tell him why I felt like I needed a place to hide. But it was nice to explain the way the earth smelled as it pressed under your feet, or the sound of animals sneaking around in the brush. He seemed fascinated, listening intently.

Eventually we arrived at Lexington station and walked the rest of the way to the lot. When we got there, I gave the parking attendant my ticket and he went to go retrieve my car. Daveed and I stood there under the only street light in the lot and I kicked at the dirt. I wondered if he expected me to drive him home, but I didn’t want to ask in case he didn’t. Feeling awkward, I was glad when the attendant pulled up with my car, parking it a few feet away. I thanked him and he went back to his little house, shutting the door.

“Well thanks for walking me. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said.

Daveed nodded, “For sure, get home safe, okay?” he answered seriously.

“Okay...” I said, going to climb in behind the wheel.

I waved to him and he put up a hand as he started walking back to his house. I turned onto the street and made my way back north.


	6. Furniture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes when I read this chapter back, I almost wonder if Em is into Pippa....

Just as I thought I barely slept that night, too energized from the show. So when my alarm went off the next morning, I was slow to wake. I had a cup of coffee and then begged my mom to drop me off at the train station on her way into work. She complained, wondering why I was taking my suitcase, but gave in eventually when I explained to her yet again that I had a job and an apartment in the city. Mostly I think she was just glad to be rid of me.

There was a problem with the tracks, so by the time I got into Grand Central I was running late and didn’t have enough time to bring my suitcase to Daveed’s before going to the theater. So I called an Uber and anxiously bounced from one foot to the other while I waited for it to pick me up. When it pulled up at the theater, I nearly jumped out before the car had fully stopped. It felt like the driver climbed out in slow motion to open the trunk and pull out my suitcase for me. As soon as it touched the ground, I thanked him, hiked my cello case onto my back and rushed into the theater.

I was glad when it seemed only half the cast, crew, and pit were there when I came in through the doors at the back of the audience. Lin was sitting in the seats about six rows back with Alex and who I could only assume was Tommy, the director. Lin waved at me as I trundled down the aisle with my suitcase in tow. I stopped at the end of his row and he climbed over Alex to come over to greet me. He reached out to smooth a bit of my hair out of my face and smiled warmly at me.

“Looks like you’ve had a hell of a morning.”

I let out a deep breath, “The train was late, I meant to stop at the house to drop this off. But I didn’t want to be late.”

“Well you’re not late. So no worries. Come on, we can put that in the green room. You need tea.” he said, taking my suitcase and rolling away.

I followed after him, down the hall. Pippa and another woman I remembered were sitting on the couch in the green room, watching the TV when Lin and I entered. They looked up and Pippa waved, “Hey, it’s Emerson, right?” she said.

I nodded, “Yeah, that’s me.”

“What kind of tea do we have up in this place?” Lin asked, abandoning my suitcase to pick through the cabinets.

“There’s some chamomile on the left I think.” the other woman answered. She held out her hand to me, but didn’t get up, “I’m Renee by the way. I don’t think I introduced myself before.”

I walked over to shake, “Hi, nice to meet you.”

“Come sit, girlfriend. You look frazzled and it’s only nine in the morning.” she said, patting the couch next to her.

I glanced back at Lin who inspecting a mug before dropping a tea bag into it, “Yeah...damn train.”

“Where do you commute from?” Pippa asked.

“I came from upstate today, my mom’s place in Cold Spring. I’m actually finishing my move today.” I explained.

“Oh! That’s exciting! Where’s your new place?” Renee asked.

The microwave beeped and Lin came over with the steaming mug, handing it to me, “She moved into Daveed’s spare room.” he answered for me, perching himself on the arm of a cushioned chair.

The girls raised an eyebrow at me each, “Oh, you moved in with Daveed, huh?” Pippa asked, smiling.

I sipped the tea and looked between the three people, “I feel like I’m missing something here.”

“No, no. That’s just interesting. I always thought Daveed would be the live alone type...” Renee said.

“I guess he kind of is?” I answered.

“Well that’s really great though.” Pippa said, clearly trying to diffuse the situation. “Is it a nice place?”

“Oh yeah...beautiful.”

“Em’s gonna have a house party.” Lin said.

I rolled my eyes and leaned back into the couch, “You gotta stop saying that.” I groaned.

“What! I wanna go to a party at Daveed’s!” Renee said.

“Yeah me too!” Pippa agreed.

“Someone’s throwing a party?” a young man with long curly hair and freckles asked as he strolled in with a beautiful girl under his arm.

“Em moved in with Daveed and she’s throwing a house party.” Renee answered him.

“Really? Awesome. Count me in!” the man said.

“Me too!” his friend said.

“Em, this is Anthony and Jazzy, by the way.” Lin interjected.

“Oh hey, yeah. I don’t think we’ve met yet.” Anthony said, reaching out a hand. “Are you in the cast?”

“No, I play cello.” I said, shaking his hand then shaking Jazzy’s.

“That’s so cool. I always wished I learned an instrument. But I never did...” she admitted.

“You still could. Plenty of time.” I said.

She nodded and smiled, “Hey! Maybe you could teach me!”

“Sure, yeah.”

I sat with Pippa and Renee chatting and watching TV until it was time to start rehearsal. Full rehearsal for  _ Hamilton _ reminded me a lot of how most of my college rehearsals went. There was a lot of joking around, but a lot of hard work was put in as well. At noontime Lin, Alex and Tommy released us until the show that night. So I quickly tidied up my space in the pit and went to go grab my other cello and my suitcase from the green room. Daveed was coming down the hall opposite me as I went to turn into the room.

“Yo, what’re you up to now?” he asked.

I pointed with my thumb into the room, “I need to bring my stuff over to the house and then I realized like halfway through ‘Helpless’ that I don’t own any sheets or towels or other things like that.”

“Oh shit.” he said.

“Yeah, so I’m gonna go track down a Target or something and pick some up.”

Suddenly Pippa’s head shot out of a dressing room a few doors down, “Did I hear someone say Target?” she asked, grinning.

Daveed turned to look at her and I leaned to see her around him, “Yeah that was me.”

“Oh my god! I love Target!” she said coming fully into the hallway.

“Do you want to come with me?”

“Yes!”

“Cool, I have to stop to drop off my stuff first.” I told her.

“I could bring it back to the house for you.” Daveed offered.

“Oh...uh...thanks but I have my electric cello.”

“I’ll call an Uber. I promise I’ll be careful.”

Pippa came down the hall, her purse hooked in her arm, “Oh just let him. I trust him.” she said, patting his broad bicep.

Feeling like if I said no, it would make things awkward so I nodded, “Okay...sure. Just be careful.” I said.

“Come on, let’s go!” Pippa said cheerfully, tugging on my sleeve.

“Thanks, D.” I said over my shoulder.

He smiled at me and held up a hand to wave goodbye, “No problem. Have fun!”

Pippa had already called an Uber, so when we got to the stage door, we only had to wait a moment for it to arrive. We ducked out quickly, Pippa waving kindly to some of the people waiting as we went. The only Target in Manhattan was almost all the way down to the World Trade Center. On the way Pippa and I chatted lightly and I found that I really enjoyed her company. She reminded me a lot of my friends from Boston and while she was a much more cheerful, outgoing person, our personalities seemed to meld nicely. We were also the same age, which surprised me since she played Lin’s wife in the show. I expected her to be at least a couple years older.

When the Uber dropped us off in front of Target, we climbed out and headed into the store. Pippa grabbed a cart and started pushing it towards the home department. “So do you know what you’re looking for?” she asked as we turned down the aisle of all the bedding sets and sheets.

“Not really, I kind of need everything. Sheets, duvet, quilt, whatever. I need towels and other stuff like that, too.”

“You don’t have anything?” she asked, incredulous.

“No, I had to leave it all in Boston.” I answered.

I had been squinting at the fine print on a duvet set and when I looked up, Pippa was looking at me, “Why did you leave all your stuff behind?”

I needed to remember not to say anything about Boston anymore, “It’s complicated.” I said slowly.

Her face softened and she pulled me in, checking around to see if anyone was close by who could hear us, “You know you can trust me right? Us girls gotta stick together.”

“I know,” I said, nodding. I did believe her, I just wasn’t sure I was ready to admit the full extent of what happened, “I was living with my boyfriend and things didn’t work out. We had an...argument and I basically took only what was mine.”

“Oh! Em! That’s so shitty. He didn’t let you take anything?”

This was good, this put her off the truth, “No, it was all very quick.”

“Damn! Well I think you should treat yourself then. Let’s find something you really love!”

We walked around the aisles, and I picked a nice navy blue duvet set that had gold constellations printed on it. We got super soft, dark heathered grey jersey cotton sheets and pillowcases. I grabbed a couple nice pillows and squeezed them into the cart. After that we headed to the bath department and I got bath mats, a few big fluffy towels, and some wash cloths. Then we went to the decorations department to get some little dishes and things for my bathroom counter. Pippa insisted I buy this little metal crescent moon that had hooks to hold jewelry, which admittedly was pretty cute.

By three o’clock we had crammed so much stuff into our shopping cart I wondered how we were going to get it all into an Uber back to the house. As we rode back uptown, we called in some dinner to be delivered and I texted Daveed to see if he wanted anything. When we arrived at the house, Pippa helped me carry in my many bags, giggling as we struggled to get them through the gate. We stumbled in through the front door and Daveed was on the couch in the living room. He looked over his shoulder at us and gave me a smile that reminded me vaguely of the look my ex used to give me when we first started dating.

“Whoa! Did you get enough stuff?” he asked.

“Never, Diggs! Never!” Pippa sang breathlessly.

I laughed, “It looks like more than it is. The lady at the checkout gave me the world’s biggest bags for the pillows and stuff.”

“The world’s biggest bags, huh?”

“Yes! They’re massive! Look at them!” Pippa said, grabbing one from the floor where she had dropped it and holding it up.

“You’re right, they are pretty big.”

“Honestly, I think it wouldn’t be very hard to fit Pippa in one of those bags.” I joked.

“I think that is a possibility. Maybe we should try?” Daveed joined in.

Pippa squealed, “No you will not!”

Daveed shrugged and turned back to the TV, “Your loss.”

I showed Pippa upstairs to my room, pushing open the door to find my suitcase and cello neatly placed against my newly painted grey wall, “Oh my... _ GOD _ , Em!” Pippa gushed as soon as she walked in. “This is your bedroom?”

I flushed, feeling proud, “Yeah, it’s it gorgeous? I mean it doesn’t have much right now, but...just the bare bones. Wait until you see the bathroom.”

“Oh is this the wall you painted? I think I heard you telling Lin about that yesterday. I like the color. Grey is so understated...” she said, crossing the room. “And this  _ view _ !”

“I think that may be the best part. Makes me feel like a real New Yorker, you know?”

She sat down on the window seat and I couldn’t help but admire the way the light fell across her beautiful face, “Totally. I’m so jealous. I may have to come over here more often. Just to look out at this view.”

“That could be fun. We could just sit and drink tea and read books.”

“Yes! I love it.” she grinned at me.

Daveed called up the stairs letting us know the food had been delivered. So I rushed Pippa into the bathroom (“Oh my GOD!”) before hurrying downstairs to eat. Sitting there with the two of them, I felt myself really sinking into how  _ good _ all of this was for me. Listening to them chatter about the show and music, I couldn’t get enough. It was like watching your favorite guilty pleasure show or taking yourself out for ice cream after a long day. The way Pippa smiled at me warmed my heart; I had made my first real girlfriend in the city. But the way that Daveed smiled at me...that was something else entirely. Something I was still unsure about.

The three of us rushed back to the theater after our meal, squeezing into the backseat of an Uber together. I could smell Daveed’s deodorant and I could already feel the rush of adrenaline as I started to get pumped for my second show. After that morning’s rehearsal I was feeling pretty confident about the music and I was excited to try out some of Alex’s suggestions. The crowd that night was a little quieter than the previous night, but that was not to say that they didn’t hoot and holler loud enough to drown out the actors a few times. Knowing more about Pippa from our afternoon of shopping, I had a new respect for her part in the show. I couldn’t wait to tell her.

That night, after I had hung out in Pippa, Jazzy, and Renee’s dressing room for an hour while they got out of costume, I decided I wanted to walk home. So with my cello strapped to my back and my tote bag of music, I headed out of the theater onto the street. It had grown a bit chilly once the sun went down and I was glad I had chosen to wear full length pants and a scarf with my fleece. I had just barely made it to Times Square when I heard someone jogging up behind me. Figuring it was just an nighttime runner, I kept walking with the crowd turning to cross the Square in the direction of Rockefeller Center. Suddenly I heard my name in the mix of the crowd of people.

“Em! Yo wait up!” Daveed called from behind me.

I turned too quickly and nearly took out someone with my cello case, earning a stereotypical, “Hey! Watch it!” I apologized awkwardly and finally focused on Daveed stepping through the cross wave of people. “Hey, I thought you left already.”

He shook his head, curls waggling, “No, I was waiting for you. Then I saw Pippa leaving and she said you had just gone.”

“Why were you waiting for me? I know the way back.”

“I know you do.” he said, running a hand through his hair.

“So...?”

“So I figured we live in the same place...”

I raised an eyebrow at him, “Didn’t we already have this conversation?”

“Yeah,”

“Alright cool. Well I was going to walk home.”

“With your cello?”

I shrugged, “If I get tired, it’s got wheels.” I said, pointing down at the bottom of the case.

“Oh...”

“I’m gonna go, D.”

“Well now I feel silly if I don’t walk with you.” he said.

I sighed, “Okay, fine then. Let’s go.”

We continued on, walking block after block. Daveed made easy conversation, chattering about whatever came to mind. I was only half listening. Most of my focus was on the city around me. I was trying to absorb it all, breathing it in. It still hadn’t sunk in that this was my new home. A city of millions. A city where everything was at my fingertips. A city where I could start anew with new friends and new relationships. Not to say that I was forgetting my old friends, my Boston friends. But I was ready to accept that if I wanted to thrive in this new city, I would need to let go of the past.

Eventually Daveed and I made it back to the house. We wished each other good night before retiring to our separate rooms. I got my sheets onto my mattress, changed into some pajamas, and then crawled into bed. I laid there in the dark for a while, looking out the window. I could just see the bridge from the floor and it glittered as my eyes unfocused, ready for sleep. The sun was starting to lighten the sky outside when I woke the next morning. I got up and crept downstairs to make a cup of tea. I found a mug in one of the cabinets and some tea bags. Once my cup was brewed, I took it back upstairs to sit in the window. I pulled my laptop out and checked emails before starting into some furniture shopping.

I ordered a bed frame, two bedside tables, a chest of drawers for the closet, a large shelf unit, a small desk and chair, a TV stand that would just barely fit my television, and a round tufted ottoman. It cost me nearly the rest of my savings but I didn’t mind. It meant I was finally making my own space. A space that could be just as I wanted. By the time I was finished, I heard Daveed stirring and then watched as he left the house for a morning run. He stopped at the gate to stretch, pulling his foot up to his back and then the other. Finally he opened the gate and took off down the street out of view. I was making another cup of tea when he came home, a paper bag in his hand.

“Breakfast!” he said, opening it to show me two fresh bagels inside.

We sat together quietly eating before going to get ready for the day. It was a two show day, so I made sure to pack my water canteen and an extra snack from the stash I had picked up at Target with Pippa. Daveed called an Uber and we waited for it silently in the foyer. I saw that I had gotten a bunch of confirmation emails from IKEA saying my order was being filled and would be delivered on the next business day. The Uber arrived and we went out to meet it, locking up the house.

“So I ordered some furniture this morning.” I told Daveed once we had climbed in.

“You were supposed to tell me when you were going to do that.” he answered.

“You were sleeping and I wanted to get it done.”

“How much did you spend?”

“About a grand.”

Daveed nodded, “Alright, well remind me later and I’ll transfer you some cash.” he said.

I sighed, “D, you really don’t have to do that.”

He shook his head firmly, “No, I do. I want to.”

I knew there was no arguing this so I decided to try to go with it and hope that he just forgot. We arrived at the theater early so I went to chill with Pippa until I was needed in the pit. After the first show, Pippa and I got some lunch delivered before I went to visit Lin. I flopped down onto his couch while he played some video games. Before I knew it, Lin was gently nudging me awake.

“Em,  _ mami _ , wakey wakey!”

I started and sat up, palming hair out of my face, “Oh! Shit sorry Lin! I didn’t mean to nod off like that.”

He grinned, “No worries. When you need rest, you need rest.”

“Yeah, I woke pretty early this morning. I guess it just hit me.”

“It’s cool,  _ chica _ . You’re welcome to come nap whenever you like.”

“Thanks, Lin.” I stood up and stretched. “I’ll get out of your hair.”

“Catch you later, Em!”


	7. Superwoman

On Monday my furniture was delivered by two burly men. Daveed was out when the delivery arrived, so I was thankful that the men carried all the boxes upstairs for me. I put together the dresser and two bedside tables first, then tackled the bed frame. It was fairly simple, I just had to attach the headboard to the base, insert the wooden slats into the base and then screw on the hairpin legs. Next I put together my desk and attached the legs to the desk chair. I attached the legs to the ottoman and sat down, cutting open the box for the shelving unit to retrieve the directions. I heard Daveed come home as I had just started flipping through the pages.

He poked his head in a few moments later, “Oh! You got your furniture!” he said, stepping through the door.

“Yep, it’s starting to come together.”

I had the pieces of the shelf around my feet, “Did you put all this together by yourself?”

“Yeah, wasn’t that hard. The directions are pretty simple.”

“Well if you need any help...” he offered.

“I think I’m alright. But thanks.”

“Okay...” he said, turning to go. “I still owe you money, too. I haven’t forgotten.”

“You don’t. It’s fine.”

“I’ll get it to you tomorrow. Gotta stop at the bank.”

I rolled my eyes, “Alright.”

He left and I dove back into putting together the shelf. It was broken down into eight modules. Each section was easy to build. But then I started assembling the modules together. The three bottom modules went together quickly and I was able to attach the feet on its side before tipping it upright. Next were two modules that stacked on top of either end of the bottom modules. Finally the directions instructed me to assemble the top three modules like I had the bottom three. In the pictures, it showed two people lifting the three modules on top of the center modules. I lifted the three modules to text their weight, deciding they weren’t  _ that _ heavy.

I lined them up on the floor with the shelf and then started to lift them. Because the center module was a set of cabinets, it was tricky to get a good grip. I managed to get one side up on top of the rest of the shelf but then the weight of it started to tip the lower modules away from the wall. I struggled to hold the top modules while I used my knee to push the bottom back. But I could feel the situation quickly getting out of hand as the sharp edges of the modules bit into my skin. The bottom shelf started to move more and I winced as it scraped at my leg through my jeans.

“Daveed!” I shouted as loudly as I could.

“What?” he yelled back.

“Please come quick! I...I need help!” I called, huffing under the weight of what was basically the entire shelving unit.

I could hear him come running up the stairs and down the hall, bursting through my door. As soon as he saw what was happening, he came over and grabbed one end of the top modules. “Okay, can you push the bottom back?” he asked, lifting the top enough to give me clearance.

I gave the bottom a good shove with my knee and it fell back against the wall loudly. I regained my grip on the top modules and with Daveed’s help, we lifted it up on top. “Thank you. I thought I was going to get crushed for a moment there.”

Daveed turned like he was going to touch me but then hesitated, “What were you thinking?” he asked somewhat harshly.

I flushed, “It wasn’t that heavy. I just couldn’t get it up and over and the bottom tipped. That’s all...” I answered defensively.

I thought he was going to reprimand me, but instead his expression softened, “Do you need to attach this to the bottom part?” he asked.

“Yeah...” I said, going to get the proper screws and screwdriver.

Once it was fully attached, Daveed helped me anchor it to the wall since the anchors were close to the top of the unit and I was too short to reach them without risking pulling the whole thing down again. We stood back and admired our handiwork. My knee smarted and I rolled up my pant leg to find that I had scraped a little patch of skin off. I sat down on the ottoman to pick off some of the little pieces that were getting caught on my jeans.

“Shit, are you alright?” Daveed asked.

I glanced up at him, “Oh, yeah. This is nothing.” I said, pushing my jeans back down.

“Right, cause you’re some superwoman.”

“If you’re mad at me for trying to put the shelf together by myself, you can save it.” I snapped back, annoyed by his tone. “I’m allowed to make mistakes.”

This seemed to stop him, “I’m not mad at you. I’m just worried, that’s all.”

“You don’t need to be. We don’t need to keep having this conversation.”

“Okay fine. I get it. I hear you.” he said and then left.

I sat there, fuming for a moment before a wave of guilt washed over me. Had I been to harsh? I had to think of a way to apologize. I checked the time and saw I only had enough time to shower and get dressed for the show that night. While I was busy getting ready, I ran through my head a million ways to apologize to him. When I finally came downstairs to leave, I found that I was in the house alone. He must have left while I was in the shower. Feeling even worse, I locked up and headed for the subway. By the time I got to the theater, I wondered if I should try to find him before the show or just let him cool off. I put my cello down in the pit and then went to go try. But when I looked into his dressing room, he had his headphones on and I didn’t want to bother him.

After the show, I took an Uber home by myself, feeling tired. Daveed still wasn’t back when I got in, so I went up to my room and shut the door. I sat down with my electric cello, put on my headphones, and proceeded to practice some of my favorite pieces until my fingers stung and my wrists ached. I went and soaked them in the sink for a few minutes, perched on the counter, and then turned in for bed. In the morning, I put together the TV stand and started emptying my boxes. When my stomach growled, I decided to go grocery shopping. I dressed and went downstairs, nearly colliding headlong into Daveed as he came in through the front door.

“Oh! Sorry!” we both apologized awkwardly.

I looked at my feet, “Listen, I’m sorry about yesterday. I can get kind of stubborn and it wasn’t fair of me to be so short with you.” I said finally.

Daveed smiled, “Em, for real, it’s okay. I was crossing a line and you were pointing that out. I should’ve been more respectful.”

“I...oh...well...” I stammered, stunned. “Okay.”

“Where are you off to?” he asked, changing the subject.

“The grocery store. Do you need anything?”

“Nah, I’m alright.”

“Okay...well...if you think of anything, I’ll have my phone.”

“No problem.”

I nodded and left the house. I was still shocked by how much of a non issue that was. Apparently all I needed to do with Daveed was give him space to think and it would all just solve itself. As I walked to the store I thought about how that conversation differed from what I was used to. I had spent two years holding my tongue, apologizing when I couldn’t, and groveling when things got out of hand. But clearly that was no more.

When I came home, Daveed was nowhere to be found. But I didn’t get the sense that it was because of anything I did. I put away my groceries, had some lunch, and then went up to my room to watch some TV and relax before the show that night. When I opened my door I found Daveed had left an envelope on my ottoman. I picked it up and opened it. Inside were ten crisp hundred dollar bills. Rolling my eyes and going to tuck it in a drawer for a rainy day, I reminded myself to try to be more accepting of good fortune in the future.


	8. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter for a little while. After this one, I'm caught up to where I most recently left off. I'll try to add more ASAP! Also I guess it's kind of a short chapter, sorry!

Over the next month, I finally settled into my new life. I got my first check and used part of it for some rugs and a big photograph of the moon to hang over my bed. When Pippa and Lin found out that I had finally finished decorating and arranging my room, they insisted it was time to hold the houseparty. So I spoke with Daveed and we settled on a good time to have everyone by. We decided a Thursday night would be best since we wouldn’t have a show until the next evening  and it would be least likely to bother the neighbors. The next time I was at the theater, I started to spread the word that everyone was invited to come.

After Thursday’s show, Pippa and I hurried home to get everything ready. Daveed had picked up the booze and snacks that morning, which just left Pippa and I to set it all out for the guests. We went upstairs to get ready, pushing Daveed out of my room when he came to interrupt us. I put on my favorite pair of Borderlands leggings and a slouchy tee, then Pippa helped me with my make up. We went downstairs just as Daveed was welcoming in his costar Oak and some of the ensemble members. 

As more and more people arrived, I started to realize that Daveed had never really done this before. I heard people joking about how they thought he was never going to invite them over. I even overheard some whispers of suspicion that he had a secret sex dungeon in the basement. While I hadn’t yet been down there to either confirm nor deny, it was still pretty funny to hear. They all seemed to think Daveed was this mysterious creature. Part of me wondered if maybe he was that mysterious. It also made me wonder yet again why he had offered and agreed to rent his spare room to me.

Lin and his wife Vanessa arrived fashionably late, just after 9:30. He insisted once he found me that I needed to show him my room. I happened to be standing with Pippa and Renee, who also begged to see my room. Vanessa gave me an apologetic smile and shrug before I gave in, leading the little group on a tour upstairs. We trouped down the long hallway to my door and I ducked inside to quickly turn on some lights. My friends filed into the room and immediately spread out.

“Damn,  _ mami _ ! This is awesome!” Lin raved.

He went to check out my vinyl collection while Renee looked at some of the prints I had hanging on the walls. “You have lovely taste.” she said kindly.

“And killer taste in music.” Lin added.

“Well she  _ is _ a musician.” Pippa reminded him.

“Oh right.” he said, winking at me. “Are these functioning?”

I looked over to see he was pointing at my small collection of vintage radios, “Some of them do, but most of them are just for looks.”

“They’re really cool.”

“Thanks.”

With that we rejoined the party. I was having some of the most fun I had had in a long time. It was a very boisterous group, very clearly a group of theater nerds. Every time a good song came on, the room would break out singing along. I kept having to dab at my eyes because I was crying from laughing so hard. I danced for a while with Pippa, Anthony, Jazzy, and Daveed until my feet ached. Lin and Vanessa were sitting on the couch, so I squeezed in next to Lin. He was chatting animatedly with one of the ensemble members. After a few minutes, I had lost the conversation entirely so I pulled my phone out of the waistband of my leggings to check my messages. I unlocked my phone before I could see the notification. So I wasn’t prepared when I opened the messages app to find a message from the one person I least wanted to hear from.

- _ Happy anniversary, baby! You can’t run from me forever. I’ll find you and bring you back to where you belong _

I blanched and my stomach churned. Suddenly the room felt too small, too crowded. I looked around frantically, half expecting to find him standing there in the mass. I looked to the window but I couldn’t see out. It only reflected the room back to me. I had completely forgotten what day it was. He hadn’t contacted me for months, I figured he had given up. He never seemed to want to make an effort to find me before. I didn’t really want to know what changed his mind.

Lin nudged me, “You okay?” he asked quietly.

I locked my phone and tucked it away with trembling hands, “Fine, just maybe too much to drink.” I lied.

Lin’s eyes had followed my phone, “Okay, can I get you some water?”

“No, I’ll get it. Thanks though.” I said, leaning my head to touch against his.

I got up and went to the kitchen where it was a little quieter. I ran a cup under the tap and drank it down. He didn’t know where I was. He couldn’t...could he? I hadn’t told anyone when I left where i was going. My rocky relationship with my mother had never been a secret. So I hoped he wouldn’t think I would go to her. I just hoped he hadn’t harassed any of my friends. Or that he wasn’t going to start in this newfound ambition to find me. Pippa came over then, pulling me away to do a shot with her and I easily obliged. I was happy to go down the rabbit hole a bit, to forget the message and forget him. All I had ever wanted was to move on.

I went to bed that night drunk and oblivious to the world. When I woke in the morning, I found my phone, intending to delete the message. But something in me twinged. I had spent almost three years with him. There was a time when I loved him. It was possible I still did. The message was proof though, and I really hoped I never needed it.


	9. Apology Pancakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright...all aboard the fluff train! Choo choo! ;)

Over the next few weeks, I kept to myself. At first I was jumpy, feeling like there was someone just out of sight. But then people started to notice and I didn’t want anyone asking questions. I was good at pushing the fear down, but I couldn’t pretend all the time. I spent most of my time holed up in my room, avoiding Daveed as best I could. I wasn’t sure I could fake it around him. Though we had only known each other for a little over two months, I always felt like he knew more than he gave away. More about me than he could possibly know.

One day before a show I was going to hang out in Lin’s dressing room when I heard my name coming from Anthony and Oak’s room. I froze in the hall, leaning against the wall to eavesdrop. “I don’t know, man. Did anything happen that night?” Anthony said.

“No, dog! We danced but the girls were there. It wasn’t like that.” Daveed answered. “She gets home and shuts herself in her room. I haven’t seen her in days and we live in the same house!”

“I mean, I don’t know her  _ that _ well, but this is Emerson we’re talking about. The girl who cracks jokes with the best of us. Can probably outsing  _ and _ outrap Renee...” Oak said.

“I don’t know what I did.”

“Maybe you didn’t do anything.” Anthony suggested.

“Yeah, but then how do I fix it?”

“D, why are you stressing over this anyway? She’s just your roommate.” Oak said.

“I don’t know...forget it, man.”

I heard footsteps coming towards the door, so I quickly turned away and headed back down the hall. During intermission while I gulped down water and massaged my wrists, I thought about what I had overheard. I hadn’t realized just how much Daveed had noticed my reclusiveness. I also wondered what it meant that it had bothered him enough to say something to his friends. There was a reason why I moved to the city and I needed to remind myself of it. I vowed to put the past behind, once again, and try to carry on with my life.

I woke before the sunrise the next morning, feeling uncomfortably warm. I had pushed all the blankets off the bed and the sheets were tangled and sticking to my skin. In my sleepy state, I had gotten out of bed to change out of my long pajama pants into shorts. When I eventually woke to start my day, I crawled out of bed and pulled on a sheer shawl, the tassels brushing against my bare thighs. I headed downstairs to make an apology breakfast for Daveed, hoping that pancakes were the way into his heart.

Twenty minutes later, with one pan heating up for pancakes and the other crackling with bacon, I heard Daveed shuffle into the kitchen behind me. He went straight for the pot of coffee and poured some into the mug I had laid out for him. He added some milk from the fridge and took a big gulp. Passing behind me, he leaned over my shoulder to sniff at the smells coming off the stove.

“What's all this?” He asked, sliding into a stool at the island.

“I just thought I would make breakfast. I know I haven't really been...available lately.” I said, struggling to find the right word.

“Oh, it's no big deal. You didn't have to do this.”

I chuckled, “Sounds kinda familiar.”

“What happened to your leg?”

I glanced over at him and then followed his eyes to my leg. I had forgotten completely in my sleepy haze that morning that my shorts revealed the two long pink scars on my upper thigh, “Oh...I uh...tripped and fell into a glass coffee table.” I tugged on my shawl to cover my leg. “Guess I can be kind of clumsy.”

“Gotta be more careful, Em.” He remarked. 

I could tell by his tone he wasn't buying it. I was quickly regretting trying to make up with him. Maybe it would've been better if I had just stayed away. “I know, the rug was sticking up and it was stupid...an accident.”

“Did you have to get stitches?”

“Yeah, twenty each.”

“Wow!”

Trying desperately to find another topic of conversation, I was glad that the food was mostly ready, “So what do you like on your pancakes? I bought some berries the other day, and there's maple syrup and butter.” I offered, going to the fridge.

“Berries sounds good. I don't really ever eat pancakes for breakfast.” He admitted. 

“Oh, well...now you will!”

I brought over the berries, and the maple syrup and butter for myself. Then I served up two stacks of pancakes with some bacon and turned off the stove. I put the taller stack in front of Daveed and then sat down with my plate. I cut off two pads of butter and watched through my eyelashes as he added a heap of blueberries and blackberries to the top of his pancakes. We ate in silence for a little while before he thought of something to say.

“These are really good.” He said. 

“Oh, thanks.”

“You must be a good cook. I've seen you cooking all the time, it always smells really good.”

“You can join me you know. I always make too much.” I offered.

“I might take you up on that.”

I smiled at him, “Sounds good.”

“So what are your plans for the day?”

“I don’t know, it’s already so warm out. I hate this heat.” I said.

“It’s so nice though. I was so sick of the cold and the rain.”

He was remarking on the fact that we had just gotten almost a week of rainy days, “April showers bring May flowers!”

“Speaking of flowers, why don’t we go to the Conservatory Gardens today. I heard everything is just starting to bloom.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, “ _You_ want to go to the gardens?”

“Sure, yeah.” he said, then noticed my expression. “What?”

“I just don’t take you for the strolling through the flowers type.”

He laughed, “I don’t know. I could be!”

“Okay, then we’ll go find out, I guess.”

Daveed helped me clean up from breakfast and then we went to our rooms to get dressed. As I stood in my closet, I debated what to wear. I was faced with the reality that most of my summer shorts and skirts were short enough to show my scars. When I got them, it was almost winter in Boston where layers were key. I hadn’t thought about the fact that come summer time my legs would be more exposed. As much as I knew I shouldn’t feel ashamed of them, they still rendered unwanted questions. Resolving to take Pippa out for a shopping date, I finally settled on a feminine pink polka dot a-line skirt and a simple white tank and sandals. The skirt was knee length, but flowy enough that I wouldn’t overheat, and when I checked myself in the mirror I admired how cute I looked.

I met Daveed at the top of the stairs and he looked me over with a strange glint in his eye, “Ready to go?” he asked.

“Yup!” I answered, wondering what that look was about.

We headed down the stairs and out the door, choosing to walk to the park since it wasn’t that far. Eventually we arrived at the gardens and began strolling through the lines of flowers. Many were already in bloom, though there were a few bushes here and there that had yet to show their colors. We chatted lightly and I found myself at ease for the first time in weeks. The text message I had gotten at the party was far from my mind. All I could think about was how nice it was to spend time with Daveed. Despite my recent behavior we had cultivated a good friendship. It was getting harder and harder to fool myself into thinking I didn’t want more.

We reached the Burnett Fountain and sat down on one of the stone benches around the pool. The warm air smelled of lilacs and magnolia, making me feel sleepy and comfortable. When I glanced over at Daveed, I realized he had been staring at me. He quickly looked away at the Secret Garden statue that sat in the middle of the pool. I smiled to myself, smoothing my hands over the front of my skirt. An older couple walked past, the woman clutching a pair of binoculars and the man holding a small digital camera as if poised to take a photo at any moment. They kept walking and once again Daveed and I were alone.

“If I didn’t know better I’d say you were courting me, Mr. Diggs.” I teased.

Daveed smiled at me, “Well, Miss O’Connor would that be so bad?”

I flushed, looking away, “Maybe, it’s hard to say.” I hadn’t expected him to play along.

“Why is that?”

“Because...” I said, thinking of how to answer. “Because it’s complicated.”

“What’s so complicated about it?”

“I don’t know...I’ve only just gotten out of my last relationship.”

He made a face, my answer clearly wasn’t good enough, “How long is ‘only just’ exactly?”

“Almost five months.”

“That’s a pretty long time, I think.”

“I suppose it could be for some people.” I looked at my hands, which I had been twisting nervously in my lap. “I was with my ex for a long time.”

“I understand. I just really like spending time with you, is all.”

“I like spending time with you, too.”

He nudged me with his shoulder, “Then just take your time. No pressure, Em.”

I smiled up at him, “Okay.”

“Okay.” he replied.

We sat for a little while longer before we got up to continue on our way. We found a whole row of lilac trees and I leaned in to breathe in their scent. They were my favorite, bringing back memories from childhood of sitting under the bush we had in the yard reading books and enjoying the sunshine. Daveed insisted we take a selfie, slipping his arm around my waist and pulling me close. I had to admit I liked the way it felt to be touched again, even if it was as simple as that. He pulled out his phone and held it out, framing us with the lilacs behind and I leaned my head into his shoulder smiling. As Daveed snapped the picture, I appreciated all the happiness I had found in this big concrete jungle.


	10. Drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :: WARNING ::
> 
> This chapter starts to touch on some serious stuff. No violence or anything (that will be next chapter, so watch out) but just letting y'all know.

After that day in the gardens, Daveed and I started to spend a lot more time together. While I still took naps and played video games with Lin and went shopping and sunbathing in the park with Pippa, the majority of my free time was spent with Daveed. Alex and I had managed to find a suitable stand in for me so I could have a night off here and there. These nights generally ended up being my alone time, but I was fine with it. Daveed started to join me for dinner and we would chat about music, the show, life, or whatever came to mind. I enjoyed his company and it was nice to feel wanted in a non-committal way.

About two weeks later, Alex had given me the day off and I had taken the day for myself. I went for a long walk around the city, going to stand on the Brooklyn Bridge with a cup of coffee, visiting the Met for lunch, and then I went to sit under the whale in the Natural History museum to read a book. Daveed had been away for the last two days in LA visiting his best friend, Rafael Casal and would only be returning to the city just in time for the show that night. I knew he'd be landing around 3pm, so I checked my phone a little after that to see if he had texted me. Instead I got a message from him. From Nick.

- _ Went to visit your mom today. Very nice woman. I can't figure out why you would lie about never seeing her again. She told me you had been living with her! Isn't that a funny thing? _

I got up and rushed to the medieval armor exhibit where I knew it would be dimly lit and least crowded. Once there I found a quiet bench to sit. How had he figured out where she lived? I racked my mind trying to think if I had left something behind. I had talked about my hometown, but it’s not like we had ever discussed exact addresses. A group of school children came through and I shrunk back, thinking hard. But in my panic I couldn’t come up with anything. As if he was reading my mind though, he sent another message.

- _ She sent you a card, you know. For Thanksgiving. But you had already left home. That was rude of you... _

I felt dizzy. He was figuring out too much too quickly on his own. I needed air. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. So I rushed outside and across to the park. My phone buzzed in my hand and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I looked around me, spinning in a circle to see if anyone was following me. If anyone was watching me. Then I found a tree and leaned against it to read the message.

- _ I went to Vermont first. I thought maybe you went to stay with your weird hippy mountain friends there. But after a couple days I didn’t see you around. I knew you weren’t there. I could feel it _

I stumbled blindly through the park, needing to get home. I kept checking over my shoulder, every footstep making me anxious. He was stalking me, stalking my friends and family to find me. How far was he going to take this? Was I safe or did I need to go further? I exited on the other side of the park and stopped into a liquor store for a bottle of Jack Daniels. I needed to take the edge off. I needed to forget. I just wanted to go home and not think for a while. When I came out of the store, he had left me another message.

- _ Anyway, your mom told me you took off again. Why do you run away from us? We love you...I love you _

I felt sick and ducked into an alley to release my lunch. A woman in a nice suit walked past as I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand. She gave me a disapproving look and kept walking. I knew what she must think of me, standing there clutching a bottle wrapped in brown paper with a pile of vomit at my feet. I looked like a drunk. I almost wished it were true. The reality at the moment was much worse. I continued walking and my phone buzzed again.

- _ She told me you moved to the city. You didn’t tell her where. But I’ll find you. I’ll bring you home. You belong to me, don’t you forget. It’s time you stop these games, baby _

I turned my phone off when I finally made it back to the house. Ditching it on the hall table, I stopped in the powder room to splash some water on my face and rinse out my mouth. He couldn’t find me here, in a city of over a million. Of course he couldn’t. I stopped in the kitchen for a glass and opened my bottle. I poured out a double and gulped it down. I poured and drank another before taking them up to my room. As I sipped on my third, I loaded up an album on my record player and sat on the rug with my back to the shelf. I closed my eyes and let the music sink in.

Could he find me? I wondered how much exactly my mother had told him. I had tried to tell her I was working for a Broadway show. But she had always seemed to ignore me. Would she have remembered that when he came around asking questions? I poured another glass and got up to turn the album over. Did I need to be worried about my mom? She probably would’ve called me to complain if he had bothered her. Clearly he had only just hung around my friend’s place in Vermont or I’m sure they would’ve contacted me.

I ditched the glass on a shelf next to my vintage radios and took a long pull straight from the bottle. I put on another album, and then another after that before polishing off the bottle of Jack. I went to find something else to drink downstairs and managed to locate a half empty handle of Jameson in the back of a cabinet. I went back upstairs with the bottle and looked for another record to put on. After flipping through most of my vinyl collection, I decided I wanted something more modern. So I dug out my iPad and paired it with my bluetooth speakers so I could play music from Spotify.

I had another drink and found a good playlist of loud bassy music, turning the volume up. The music and the booze were making me angry. What right did he have to bother my family? To creep around my friends? Suddenly I was furious with him. I wanted my life back. I wanted a life without him. A life without fear and pain. I wanted to prove to him I could have a life after him, even if he never found out about it.  _ Just What I Am _ by Kid Cudi came on and in my drunken state it seemed to lift my mood. I cranked the volume even higher and started to dance alone. I was overwhelmed by the music and the alcohol fueled emotions. I wanted to cry and hide. I wanted to get in a fight. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.

Suddenly I felt like I wasn’t alone. When I looked up, Daveed was standing in the door as  _ Heartbeat _ by Childish Gambino started. He looked half amused and half concerned, “What are you doing? The neighbors are going to call the cops!” he yelled over the music.

I shook my head and waved him over, “Dance with me!”

He hesitated for a moment before giving in and coming closer, “Have you been drinking?”

I pressed my body against his, moving along with the beat, “What do you think?” I asked.

“It’s hard to tell, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk.”

The song ended and something a little more down tempo played. Daveed reached over to turn down the volume so it was still loud but no longer rattling the windows. I frowned and turned to find the bottle of Jameson. But I stumbled and nearly fell headlong into my desk. Daveed caught me by the waist and stood me back upright. He gently guided me over to my bed where we sat down together. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be touched. How much I wanted Daveed...I focused on his lips, the tidy lines of his beard, the little bits of curls that fell by his jaw.

“Why are you drinking so much by yourself?” he asked.

I shrugged, “Doesn’t matter.”

“How much exactly  _ did _ you drink?”

“Well...I bought a bottle of Jack on my way home...but that was gone a long time ago. Then I found the Jameson in the cabinet...had some of that.” I answered.

He looked shocked, “So you’ve drank at least a whole bottle of whisky  _ by yourself _ ...did you eat dinner?” he asked.

“No, after I threw up my lunch in an alley, I wasn’t very hungry.”

“What happened, Em?” he asked firmly.

I shook my head and got up, this wasn’t what I wanted to talk about. Honestly I didn’t want to talk about anything, “Nope...” I mumbled.

Daveed got up, his footsteps coming up behind me. I turned around and pulled on his shirt, pulling him close as I backed into the wall next to my closet door. I snaked my hands up his chest and into his curls, “What are you doing?” he husked.

“This...” I whispered and pulled him in, kissing his lips.

He kissed back, his hands pressing my hips into the wall. Then suddenly he pulled back, but only far enough so that just our noses were touching, “You’re drunk, Em.”

“I don’t care.”

He kissed me again and pulled me away from the wall, walking backwards towards the bed. He turned us around and guided me down onto the mattress, “As much as I’m enjoying this, you can’t do this right now.”

I pouted, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do.”

“Alright, I can’t do it. How about that?”

I leaned my face into his stomach, wrapping my arms around him, “I need you, D. I need this.”

His fingers pulled my hair out of the messy bun it was in, gently combing through the loose locks, “You need to sleep. There will be plenty of other opportunities.”

“I’m not tired.” I lied, even as I felt myself starting to succumb to the whisky and the way Daveed was playing with my hair.

“Okay, well why don’t you lay down and at least try.” he said patiently, peeling me off him.

I let him tuck me in but when he went to turn off the lights as well as the radio and go to his own room, I whined, “Don’t go...please...don’t leave me.”

“I won’t. I’m right here.” he said.

He came over and crawled into bed behind me and I rolled to curl up into him. I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat under my cheek. “I don’t want to hide anymore. But I’m so scared...” I mumbled to him.

“Why are you hiding?”

“Because I have to. It keeps me safe.”

“Safe from what?” he asked.

But I was already drifting, falling into dreamland. Only it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare, a memory I didn’t like to relive.


	11. Three Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ::**:: WARNING!!!! ::**::
> 
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A PRETTY GRAPHIC SCENE! ABUSE/CURSING/LOTS OF BLOOD!!!!
> 
> (We're finally getting into Em's backstory here...hold on to your seats, guys!)

I opened my eyes and I was back in Boston, in my apartment where I had lived for almost two years. Nick and I were arguing, like we did most nights those days. We had just come from a big party at his friend’s place. I had had a few drinks, but not enough to get drunk. Nick on the other hand was tanked and fuming. He had ditched me when I didn’t want to do shots with him. His friends made me nervous, all these single guys who didn’t think particularly highly of women. But I knew if I hadn’t gone, the punishment would’ve been a lot worse. That was my first mistake.

I was standing alone in the living room, waiting for whenever Nick would be content to leave. A friend of a friend came over and started making a pass at me. I tried my best to fend him off, but he was much bigger than me and easily had the upper hand. Nick found us and freaked out, screaming and throwing punches. Finally other friends managed to rip him away from the guy who was now on the ground, blood gushing from his nose and mouth. With some coaxing, I convinced Nick to go, that we could talk about it at home. That was my second mistake.

We made it to the closest T station and I managed to get Nick into a train. But he was still angry and there was blood on his shirt. People were giving us strange looks and I all I wanted to do was explain. Even though the explanation wasn’t very good. By the time we got back to our little apartment, he was practically boiling over. He slammed the door shut and locked it, striding towards me with his scraped and bruised hands outstretched. He grabbed my arms and shook me hard, screaming at my face. I could barely understand what he was saying but every word felt like a punch to the gut.

“What the fuck were you doing with that guy?” he yelled, gripping my shoulders too tightly.

I felt tears welling unwanted in my eyes, “Nothing! He came on to me! I tried to tell him I was taken...that I was yours. But he didn’t listen! I’m sorry, Nick. I didn’t do anything!”

“Of course you did! You always do! It’s this fucking face of yours. You put on that make up and all the guys can’t keep their hands off you.” Nick said, slapping my cheek hard.

“Please, baby! I didn’t do anything! It was him! I didn’t do anything!” I cried.

“Stop fucking crying!” he said, grabbing my arm again.

“Please, Nick...you’re hurting me!” I pleaded, trying to pull myself free from his grasp.

“Oh? Am I hurting you? Does this hurt you? How about me? What do you think I feel when I see you with these other guys? Huh?” he shouted, twisting my arm.

It was then that I made my third mistake, “Nick...please. Stop!” I was starting to loose my balance as I struggled against him.

Suddenly he had both his hands on me, “Fine! Fuck off then!” he said.

He shoved me hard backwards, directly into our glass coffee table which shattered upon impact. For a moment I sat there in a pile of broken glass in shock. Nick was standing over me, breathing hard as he glared down at me, coming down from his rage. I couldn’t even feel the five inch shard of glass that was now sticking into my upper thigh through my leggings, or the second smaller piece just below that one. I looked down as blood started to drip onto the rug. When I looked back up at Nick, there was nothing in his eyes. No concern, no fury, no glee. Just a blank gaze.

“You’re bleeding on the fucking rug. Get yourself cleaned up.” was all he said before he went and shut himself in the bedroom.

As soon as he was gone, it seemed the reality of the situation finally sunk in. I reached down with trembling fingers to touch the glass in my leg and had to bite my lip to keep from crying out. I tried to pull the bigger shard out, but it started to bleed heavier and I felt my head get light. I scooted myself carefully out of the glass and over to the couch where I hoisted myself up onto my feet. The pain was excruciating, so much so that I nearly blacked out. The edges of my vision flickered with darkness as I limped across the living room to the kitchen.

I grabbed the dish towel off the oven door and the roll of paper towels then propped myself up against the counter. I rolled up the dish towel and stuffed it into my mouth, biting down hard. Then I pulled off a big handful of paper towels, the tube rolling away across the floor and bunched them up in my left hand. I sucked in a couple of deep breaths and then as quickly as I could, yanked out both shards from my leg. They clattered to the floor, shattering further and I screamed into the towel. Once I stopped screaming, I spit the towel out so I could suck deep breaths into my lungs as I covered my wounds with the paper towels.

I hobbled back into the living room to grab a belt Nick had left hanging over the back of the couch. I strapped it tightly around my thigh to create a tourniquet then went back to the kitchen. I bent to get under the sink where we kept our trash bags and grabbed one, putting it down on the counter. After wrapping my leg with more paper towel and then securing it with the trash bag, I found my keys and made my way out to my car. It took everything in me to not black out as I drove myself to the hospital. When I arrived at the ER I parked haphazardly, almost halfway into another parking spot and stumbled inside.

I made it as far as the check in counter before I passed out, collapsing to the floor. When I woke, it was morning, and I was hooked up to an IV. My clothes were gone and my leg was wrapped neatly in clean white bandages. A pleasant nurse came in with a cup of apple juice and some crackers. She informed me that whatever I had done to my leg, I had done a pretty good job keeping myself from bleeding out with my belt tourniquet. Next a doctor came in, along with the hospital psychologist, who wanted to know what happened. At first I pretended I couldn’t remember, but then when it was clear neither doctor was buying it, I lied.

“I came home from a party a little drunk and tripped on the rug in my living room. I fell into my glass coffee table and it shattered.”

“So you were drunk, but you had the sense to tie off your leg to stop the bleeding?” the psychologist asked pointedly.

“I guess the adrenaline really sobered me up...”

I woke from my nightmare when Daveed shifted in my bed, his hand sliding down my thigh right over my scars. For the first time, I didn’t flinch at the thought of someone touching them. His palm was warm and soothing. It felt like he was healing them for me in his sleep and I wanted to let him. So I snuggled back into him and fell back into peaceful sleep.


	12. Rainy Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So....the fluff train is taking a quick stop off at smut station. Just trying it out. it's pretty soft core...usually I write the hardcore smut only for myself. ;)

It was raining heavily when I opened my eyes next. I realized thunder had startled me awake. I must've flinched because Daveed’s arms pulled me in closer. With my face in the crook of his neck I couldn't tell if he was awake or not. His breathing was even, matching mine, but that didn't give much away. I turned my head so I could nuzzle his jaw, kissing his short scratchy beard. He hummed low in his chest and I could almost picture the smile on his face.

“Morning, you.” He mumbled. 

“Hi.” I said as he released me enough that I could look at his face. 

His umber eyes stared back at me, “How're you feeling?” He asked. 

“Fine, why?”

“You were pretty drunk last night. And upset about something I think.”

“Oh...no I'm fine.”

“Clearly you remember asking me to sleep here or else I feel like you'd be a little more confused right now.”

“I remember all of it. I don't usually black out.”

“Oh yeah?” He said, raising an eyebrow. “All of it? Even this?”

He leaned in and kissed me. His lips were warm and his body seemed to engulf mine as he pushed me back into the bed. In a moment he was hanging over me, propped on one elbow. His other hand played with a lock of my hair. He leaned down again and quickly pecked at the tip of my nose and I smiled. I felt so unburdened. Nick and my nightmare were long gone.

“Yes, especially that.”

He smiled goofily at me, “I could see you through the window last night as I came home. I mean I heard the music almost all the way down the street. But then I saw you dancing. You looked good.”

“I like to dance. You've seen me play, I can't sit still. I just want to move. I like to let the music take over.”

“We’ll have to go to a club sometime. That way you don't piss off the neighbors anymore.” He teased. 

“Music like that is meant to be loud!”

“I see why you've always got your headphones on, now.”

“Yeah! So I can listen to music really loud and not bother the neighbors!”

He laughed, “You're adorable.” Thunder rumbled loudly followed by a clap of lightning and I jumped. Daveed looked at me curiously and said, “It's only thunder.”

“I know...it just startled me.” I said defensively.

“Last night you didn't want me to leave. You said you were scared. That you didn't want to hide anymore. What was that about anyway?”

I bit my lip and looked away from him, “Nothing, must've been the booze.” I lied.

“I don't believe you.” He replied flatly.

“You don't have to, I guess.”

“Em, look at me.” He said, reaching up to tap on my chin with two fingers. 

I looked him in the eye, “What?”

“There’s something you’re not telling me about.”

“There’s not.” I replied stubbornly.

“Why won’t you tell me?”

“Because I’d rather do this...” I said and reached for him.

I pulled him down to me, kissing his lips passionately. I arched my back, pressing myself against him. He groaned as I tugged on his curls. His hands snaked under my shirt, gripping my flesh. I nibbled on his lip and his fingers dug deeper. I made a noise and suddenly his grip released, “Am I hurting you?” he asked.

“No, I’m fine.” I breathed.

“Okay good.”

His lips trailed from my mouth to my neck where he bit gently at the thin skin. I moaned and he leaned back to pull my shirt off over my head. He tossed it onto the floor and then added his own to the pile. I dragged my nails down his back and he placed kisses from my collarbone to the tops of my breasts. I groaned, it had been so long since I had been with someone who put a little more attention on me. Daveed’s fingers groped at the waistband of my shorts. He looked up at me for confirmation and I nodded. Continuing down my belly, he hooked his fingers around my shorts and pulled them down over my feet. I was left in just my panties and bra, glad that I had put on a cute pair the day before, and lying in Daveed’s sultry gaze.

“You’re so beautiful.” he mumbled, leaning back down to kiss me as his hand brushed against the inside of my thigh.

“Daveed...” I sighed.

He grinned into my mouth, “Is this what you want?” he asked, his fingers brushing between my legs over the fabric of my panties.

“Yes, please!” I said, pushing myself into his hand.

Suddenly he was peeling my panties off and before I could react, his fingers slipped inside my already wet sex. I cried out, arching my back into his hand as his lips found mine. His fingers started pumping in and out and his thumb rubbed at my clit. It wasn’t long before he had me shattering around his hand, trembling from his touch. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had reached orgasm and it felt incredible. As I started to come back to reality, I realized I was breathing hard. Daveed was licking his fingers and grinning down at me.

“Seems like you really needed that, baby girl.”

I chewed on my lip, “I guess so.”

My hand wandered to the front of his jeans, feeling the warmth underneath, “Don’t worry about that. This was for you.” he said sweetly, covering my hand with his to move it away.

“I can’t just take all the fun.”

“Of course you can. It doesn’t always have to be a give and take.”

I stared up at him with more admiration than I had with anyone before. Up until that point I had only been with a few men. Before Nick it was mostly just college hookups where fucking was always the end goal. But with Nick, it was always expected of me to make sure he had gotten off. There was no pleasure for me without some kind of reciprocation, if any at all. I was still contemplating this new concept when Daveed climbed off the bed to scoop me into his arms. I squealed, giggling as he carried me away.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“We’re having a bath. I know how much you love that tub.”

“I do love the tub...” I mumbled as he deposited me on the counter to run the water.

As it started to fill he came back over, standing between my knees, “Maybe we can even see if you can go a few more times.” he said with a wink and a wicked grin.

I grinned back, “I like that idea.”


	13. Vitamin D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please welcome Jonathan Groff to the story...don't know why I didn't include him sooner

Daveed and I almost couldn’t keep our hands off each other after that rainy morning. We managed to keep things professional and keep it away from the theater. But we weren’t fooling anyone there about our budding relationship. On a two show day about a week later, I went to lunch with Pippa and Renee who wanted to know all the dirty details. They picked a noisy restaurant so we wouldn’t be overheard. But Renee nearly drew the attention of the whole place when I told her some of the things Daveed and I did together. Giggling uncontrollably as other diners shot curious glances, Pippa and I managed to calm her down.

The more time I spent with Daveed, the less I thought of Nick and my past. I hadn’t heard from him since the last string of messages which certainly made things easier. I hoped his silence meant he had realized the magnitude of the task of finding me in the city. I hoped maybe he had given up. He had never been that smart or so I thought. Violent, vengeful, and sometimes even calculated when he would wait out an argument until he knew I was at my most vulnerable. But never smart.

In June the weather grew warmer and warmer. The cast and crew started to spend their down time up on the roof. We would stretch out on towels, blankets, and yoga mats to soak up some sunshine. Lin decided to record us one day for an episode of Ham4Ham for the YouTube channel. I was sharing a blanket with Daveed and Pippa, while Renee had her own towel next to Pippa. Oak was on the other side of Daveed with Groff beyond him. Lin panned the camera over us and we waved up at him, smiling brightly.

“So this is what we like to do when we have some free time.” Lin said from behind the camera.

“Gotta get our vitamin D somehow. Keep that melanin looking fresh.” Renee joked.

“Baby, are you not getting enough at home?” Groff teased.

Renee bunched up her tee shirt and shot it at Groff’s face, “Shut up, you!”

“What? I’m getting  _ plenty _ of vitamin D.”

We all laughed, “I feel like we’re supposed to sing something.” Pippa said.

“I’m not singing.” Oak said.

“No one asked you.” Pippa retorted.

“Oh! I know!” Groff said. “ _ Here comes the sun, doo doo doo doo _ !”

Pippa joined in in harmony, “ _ Here comes the sun and I say... _ ”

Renee and I added our voices. “ _ It’s all right _ !”

Groff started to sing the tune when Oak jumped in beatboxing.

Pippa, Renee, and I sang, “ _ Little darling _ !”

Then Daveed started to rap, making a play on the original lyrics of the song. Renee started to clap and Lin was whooping, laughing like a madman. Daveed nudged me and gave me a look, passing it off to me. I had only ever freestyled twice, during one of the shows with my quartet in college. But everyone seemed really excited as I seemed to hold my own. Finally the girls, Groff, and I sang the chorus one more time and then wrapped it up. Everyone including Lin dove on me, effectively ending the recording as they ruffled my hair and congratulated me on a job well done.

“I love you guys.” Lin said before leaving us.

Groff launched us into a discussion about how cool it would be to do rap covers of Beatles songs. By the time we headed back downstairs to get dinner before the show, he nearly had us convinced to actually record some.

Daveed and I snuck off to have our dinner alone, going to a nearby sushi joint. We sat at the counter to save time and tried to ignore some of the other customers who clearly recognized Daveed. I was only just starting to get used to the attention. It made me anxious when fans stopped him when we were out together. It didn’t happen often but I could only imagine what people were saying online about seeing Daveed out with a white, ginger haired woman. Daveed and I had already talked about our differences; it didn’t matter to either of us what the color of our skin was. But the anonymous faces of the internet could be cruel. He assured me time and time again that the Hamilfans were good, supportive people. I still felt like I was under a microscope sometimes nonetheless.

After dinner Daveed wanted to walk back to the theater to burn off at least a little of the piles of sushi we had eaten. It was still light out and the streets were crowded as always. As we came around the corner onto 46th Street, I thought I saw someone lurking around outside the pizza place directly across the street from the theater. They were wearing a dark sweatshirt, the hood pulled up, which caught my attention as strange considering how warm it was outside. A line of cars drove between Daveed and I and the person across the street. When they passed, the person was gone.

“Hey, did you see that person in the hoodie?” I asked Daveed as we got closer.

“Hmm? No...I didn’t see anyone.” he answered, more focused on the people waiting outside the theater than who might’ve been across the street. “Who did you see?”

I looked back across the street as we came up to the stage door, “No one I guess.”


	14. Let Love In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally back at it...sorry for the delay. Have been VERY sick this week (had a terrible stomach flu) and have been sleeping as much as possible.
> 
> On another note, I haven't yet written it but I think we're getting very near the climax/end of the story. I've got it kicking around in my head. Maybe another chapter or two, then a big one, then a couple fluffy chapters and then the end. So stay tuned! <3

The mysterious person in the hoodie gnawed on my mind for days later. Everywhere I went, I felt like I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. Just beyond my field of vision. I knew deep down who it was, but I was in denial. If Nick had found me so easily why would he be creeping around? Why would he wait? I kept assuring myself every time I felt spooked that he wouldn’t wait. If he knew where I was he would’ve dragged me back to Boston before I could even blink my eyes. It wasn’t like I was never alone. He was much too impatient. Still I couldn’t get it out of my head.

One afternoon before a show, I was relaxing in Lin’s dressing room, watching him play video games. My mind was elsewhere though. I was turning over and over the stone of this mystery person in my head, worrying at it. I didn’t even notice when someone stopped by to speak with Lin or how he asked them to shut the door when they left. Lin almost never kept his door shut, unless he was getting changed. So it was odd that he had asked for someone to close it while I was still in the room. Finally he turned off the game and nudged me with the controller.

“Penny for your thoughts,  _ chica _ ?” he asked.

I blinked, “Oh, did you want me to play?” I stammered, not hearing him.

“You seem like you’re on another planet today.” he replied, stretching to put the controller back on the shelf. He sat back and turned his focus fully on me, “What’s up?”

He looked concerned, his brow knitted and I knew I wasn’t getting out of this conversation, “Daveed always tells me the  _ Hamilton _ fans are super chill. But have there been any weird ones?”

“I suppose there could be. Are you having trouble with someone?”

I shook my head, letting my hair fall into my face to hide my white lie, “No, I don’t think so.”

“Tell me,  _ chica _ . Did something happen? Is someone bugging you about Daveed?”

I looked at him and tucked my hair behind my ear, feeling like I needed to be clear, “No! No, everyone has been really good about my relationship with D. Honestly we’re not very out about it yet. I’m not sure they really know the extent of it. D doesn’t really let me read the comments about us anyway. Which is probably for the best...”

“Okay, so what then?”

“I saw this person the other day hanging around outside the theater.”

“People hang outside the theater all the time.”

“I know, but the weird thing about this person is they were wearing a hoodie with the hood up.”

Lin gave me a wry grin, “You thought they seemed weird because they were wearing a hoodie?”

“It’s summer, Lin! It’s too hot for that!” I said defensively.

Lin chuckled, “Em, some people wear hoodies in the summer. I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.”

“I know...” I sighed, nodding. Lin patted me on the shoulder, “It’s okay, young padawan. You are only just getting used to the way of fame.”

I smiled, “I’m hardly famous. Not at least compared to you and the rest of the cast.”

“No way! Have you seen the views on that Beatles Ham4Ham? It’s almost surpassed like 200,000 views.”

“Yeah, because you and Groff and Daveed and Renee and Oak and Pippa are in it.”

“Half the comments are about your rap.”

I blushed, “No they’re not. You’re just saying that.”

“I’m not! Look for yourself!” he said, pointing at my phone on the couch.

I grabbed it skeptically and pulled up the video. I immediately saw that there were nearly a quarter of a million views. When the comments loaded, I was shocked to find Lin was right. Many of the comments referred to me as “the white girl with rap game.” A few people were even using my name, which I realized was because Lin had included a credit for me in the description. I was credited as “Emerson, cellist and boss rap chick,” which made me start laughing. Lin was looking over my shoulder, reading the comments and he pointed to one as I scrolled through.

“ _ I’d say that Emerson chick out-rapped Daveed. _ ” he read aloud.

I flushed and read the reply on the comment, “ _ Ain’t those two a couple or somethin? Thought I saw him Instagram her _ .”

“Yeah but, read the next one.” Lin said.

“ _ Doesn’t matter, she still got better flow than he did _ .” I rolled my eyes. “Clearly they don’t know what they’re talking about.”

“Oh come on, just let the love in! We’ve talked about this!” Lin exclaimed, diving on top of me. “Let the love in!”

There were two quick knocks on the door and then Renee pushed it open, “What is going on in here?” she asked.

“I’m making Em let the love in! She doesn’t believe her Ham4Ham rap was good.”

“Oh! I want in on this!” Renee giggled, piling on top of Lin and I.

“Ah! No!” I squealed from down in the couch cushions.

“Let the love in!” they chanted.

“Cuddle time!” Groff said and I caught a glimpse of him in the door before he joined us.

“No! Not cuddle time! Leave Em alone time!”

“Too late, baby cakes!”

Suddenly I saw Daveed in the doorway, looking upon the scene with an amused grin, “Daveed, babe, save me please!” I cried out to him.

“What exactly am I saving you from?”

“Em doesn’t believe she’s a better rapper than you.” Lin answered.

“Because I’m not!”

“So I’m forcing her to accept love until she does.”

Daveed raised an eyebrow, “It was a stupid comment on YouTube. One comment and I get snuggle piled!” I whined.

“Nah, I think this is exactly what needs to happen.” Daveed said. “But I think I’m going to cut in and steal her for myself, if you don’t mind guys?”

Before I could get away, my three friends removed themselves from the couch and Daveed scooped me up and carried me away. He put me down once we reached his dressing room and then shut the door firmly behind him. In a moment he had me backed against the dressing table, scattering some of the items there. His mouth immediately found my throat. I gasped at the sudden contact, reaching for his hair. He kissed his way up my jaw as his hands squeezed my waist and then bit at my lip. I sighed into him, but then remembered where we were.

“D, we agreed not to do this here.” I mumbled.

“I know...” he said into my lips. “I just got really excited by the fact that someone thinks you rap better than me.”

“That turns you on?” I giggled.

“Yes, what’s so funny about that?”

He was leaning away, but his body was still pressed against mine and I ran my hands down the front of his tee shirt, “Nothing, I don’t know. It’s just strange to me I guess. That you get turned on by someone basically putting you down.”

“They’re not putting you down. They’re just seeing what I already see in you.”

“And what’s that?”

He leaned in and pecked my nose before moving away to open the door, “That you’re fucking amazing, duh!”

I flushed, “You and Lin...you just say these things because you’re too good to me.”

“I don’t know about Lin, but I say these things because I mean them.” Daveed said seriously.

I hugged him and he smoothed his hand over my hair, “Someday I’ll figure it out.”

“Someday soon, I hope.”


	15. Karaoke Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it starts out with a teeny tiny bit of smut...then gets pretty fluffy.
> 
> I don't want to spoil anything but just a fair warning, the next chapter will be pretty intense. Check the warnings at the top of the chapter before reading if you're sensitive to certain things!!!

“Do you really have to go?” I whined from Daveed’s bed while he packed clothes into a suitcase across the room.

I was kneeling at the end of the bed in one of his tee shirts, the sheets bunched in my lap. We had just woken up from a night of fun and the sun was barely even up yet. Daveed was leaving to go on a short tour with Clipping and I was going to be alone in the house. It would be the first time since I moved in with him that I would have the house to myself for more than a day or two. Despite my conversation with Lin, I was still concerned about Nick deep down. I wasn’t seeing mysterious people in hoodies anymore but I was smarter than to think Nick had given without a word about it.

“It’s not for that long.” Daveed said, pulling open a wardrobe door to leaf through the shirts hanging there. “You’ll hardly notice I’m gone.”

“I always notice when you’re gone.”

He looked up from his suitcase, giving me that same look he did when he first saw me, “You’re making this hard for me, you know. Looking the way you do right now.” he growled.

I chewed my lip, “I’m not sorry.”

He eyed me as I drew my fingertips up my bare thigh, pushing up the hem of his shirt, “You need to stop.”

“I don’t think I do.”

“I need to pack, Em. My flight leaves in five hours.”

I flopped over onto my hip, knowing full well he couldn’t resist my legs, “That’s a long time...”

He was licking his lips and I could see the fire behind his eyes, “Stop.”

I shook my head innocently, “No.”

“Fine!” he snarled, tossing the pair of jeans he was holding haphazardly into his suitcase.

In three long strides he crossed the room to the bed, grabbing me by the hips and yanking me to the end of the bed. In seconds his mouth was on mine and then wandered down my body between my legs, licking and nibbling at the sensitive flesh. He worked just long enough to make sure I was ready for him, then crashed his mouth into mine again. The sex was fast and hard, neither of us lasting very long. He growled my name as he came and I dug my nails into his back. We collapsed together on the bed, Daveed’s head resting on my chest. Panting, I ran my fingers through his curls. I loved touching them, almost as much as I loved him touching me. Finally he dragged me to the shower to get cleaned up.

“Are you going to be okay without me? Now you have me worried.” he asked as he smoothed a loofa over my skin.

I nodded, “Yeah, I’ll be alright. I’ll just miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too. But you have plenty of people to keep you company while I’m gone.” he said. “Make plans with Pippa and Groff. Wasn’t he just saying he wanted to hang with you the other day?”

We got out and he cocooned me in a fluffy towel, “Yeah, they did”

“Then make some plans, baby girl!”

“I will, I will.”

“Good, now you really do need to let me pack.”

I saw Pippa at the theater that night. I hung in her dressing room and we chatted about Daveed being away. Quickly we realized we had the same day off that week, Thursday night. So we agreed to spend the evening together. Pippa had just heard about a new Japanese style karaoke club uptown. We invited Groff, Renee, Jazzy, and Anthony, though only Groff assured us he would be there. The rest would have a show that night and they weren’t sure if they wanted to risk their voices going out afterwards. I didn’t mind much, I knew no matter how many people came out it would be a good time.

On Thursday I puttered around the empty house alone, cleaning up a little and making a good lunch. When it was time to head out, I packed a little weekend bag with a couple of different outfit choices and my makeup bag. The plan was to meet up with Pippa at her apartment on the other side of Central Park first to get ready. Then we would ride together to the karaoke club that was on my side of the park to meet up with Groff and the rest of the gang. After Pippa and whoever else wanted to join us would come back to my place to have a little sleepover.

I locked up the house at quarter to six and started walking for the subway. I could have called an Uber to Pippa’s but it wasn’t too unbearably hot out and I wanted to walk. As I went, I decided to use the time to check in on Daveed and see how he was doing.

- _Going to hang with Pippa. Missing you!_

I stopped at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. The sun was just starting to set and the sidewalks were busy with evening commuter foot traffic. I moved with the pack as we crossed 3rd Ave. I ducked into the Lexington station and leaned against the wall to wait for the next train. My phone buzzed and there was a text back from Daveed.

- _Good! What’re you girls up to tonight? I miss you, too baby girl. So much!!!_

I smiled at my phone as a train rushed in. I boarded and found a spot on a rail. I held on with one hand and used the other to reply to Daveed’s message.

- _Karaoke with the crew. How is tour? Send pics!”_

I rode two stops to 57th and then climbed back up to street level. I walked up to the park and then followed it west to Columbus Circle. I paused to drink some water and watched a group of people doing yoga together in the park. My phone buzzed again as I was putting my canteen away. There was a picture of Daveed with his best friend Rafael in a hotel room mirror pulling faces.

- _We’re having a blast. But I’d almost rather be there with you._

_-Almost?_

I replied and kept moving. As I came up to the Circle, I suddenly got the feeling I was being followed. I glanced around, searching through the mass of faces. A shadow slipped away between two large groups of Asian tourists behind me, their interpreter saying something about the Circle into their microphone. My heart rate spiked as panic set in. As soon as the light changed, I rushed across the street towards the subway entrance. I could feel the shadowy person following about a car length behind me as I dashed down the stairs into the station.

I pushed through the turnstile and ran as a train pulled in. The doors chimed just as I threw myself into a car, shutting behind me. The train slowly pulled away from the station as someone in a grey hoodie with the sleeves cut off jogged up to the platform. I stood there watching as their head turned to slowly look in my direction. But before I could see their face the train slid into the tunnels and they were gone. Breathing heavily, I found a seat and collapsed into it. My phone vibrated in my bag and made me jump.

- _I do love performing, but I also love being with you. So...almost._

My heart hammered in my chest as I tried to calm myself. Did I just narrowly evade Nick or was I just being paranoid? Maybe I had just imagined it and the person on the platform was just trying to make their train. I opened the picture Daveed had sent earlier, staring at his goofy yet still handsome face. Slowly as stop after stop put space between me and my moment of terror, I started to calm down. I typed out a message to Daveed and sent it just as the train left the second to last stop before Pippa’s.

- _Come home to me as soon as you can. I need you back home with me._

When the train arrived at Pippa’s stop, 86th Street/Broadway, I climbed up into nighttime. I could smell the Hudson in the air as I tried to suck in as much as I could into my lungs. The streets were much less busy here in the Upper West Side. Under the street lamps and the pools of light coming from storefronts, I was feeling a little better again. I started walking and checked my phone to find a new message from Daveed.

- _I don’t like the sound of that. What happened?_

I winced at the screen. I shouldn’t have been so dramatic. The person I thought was chasing me probably wasn’t even chasing me at all. If it had been Nick, it wouldn’t have been so easy. I glanced around but there was no sign of any strange people lurking around. For the most part, there was almost no one else walking down the street I was on. As I came up to Pippa’s building, I responded quickly to Daveed to reassure him.

- _Nothing. I’m just being selfish. At Pip’s though, so I’ll talk to you later. Check your Snaps!_

I rang Pippa’s apartment and she buzzed me in. I rode the elevator to her floor, feeling a little better about the incident in Columbus Circle. When Pippa answered her door, there was a smell of flowers and wine. She was dressed in a long silk robe and pulled me into a warm hug. When she pushed back, she studied my face with a look of concern. Dragging me the rest of the way in, she shut the door behind her.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost! What’s the matter?” she asked.

I shook my head, “Nothing! Just got spooked by a mugger I think. It was silly...”

“Oh! No! I hate when that happens. It’s so scary!” She went to her kitchen and poured me a glass of wine from the newly opened bottle on the counter. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

I took the glass and had a sip, “I don’t even want to think about it. Let’s just have a crazy fun night tonight.”

“Yes! Okay, so what did you bring tonight?” she asked, pointing at my bag.

“A few things. I couldn’t decide what look I wanted to go for.”

I followed her down the hall to the bedroom where she already had her own outfit spread out on the bed, “I had the same problem. But you know me, I’m pretty vanilla.”

She sat down at her dressing table while I laid out my outfits next to hers. The first was a pair of black and white striped culottes and a white top. It was probably my least favorite choice, mostly because I wasn’t sure I liked the look of culottes on my figure. The second outfit was a long, dark patterned body con skirt with a casual green tee shirt. I had also brought some jewelry to wear with it. My last outfit was the most outgoing of the three and it made me feel a little guilty to consider wearing it when Daveed wasn’t around. It was comprised of a cute black skater dress, a camel colored leather jacket and brown booties. It was the sexiest outfit and while we wouldn’t be seeing many strangers that night, I didn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea.

“Ooo! Those are so cute! I love your clothes.” Pippa exclaimed. She picked up the green shirt, “Put on this one first.”

I nodded and started to take off my shoes. She turned away while I stripped but didn’t leave the room. It didn’t bother me much, I knew the theater world and it never fazed me getting nude in front of other women. But I was glad she wouldn’t see the scars on my leg, after the incident in the Circle, I wasn’t feeling like explaining them to her. Once I had the skirt on, she turned to look as I pulled the tee shirt over my head.

“I like that color on you.” she complimented.

“Thanks, I’ve always loved this kind of earthy shade of green.”

“It really brings out the blue in your eyes.”

She was rubbing the fabric of my shirt between her fingers thoughtfully, “I really love the black dress. But I’m worried Daveed wouldn’t approve.” I admitted.

“Why would that matter? Does he tell you what to wear?” Pippa asked sharply.

“No!” I replied quickly. “No, it’s not like that at all.”

“What do you mean then?”

“Just that I wouldn’t want him to think I was trying to attract attention to myself. That’s all.”

Pippa giggled and turned away to her dressing table where she had left her wine glass, “Honestly Em, if I know anything about Daveed just the thought of you looking fierce and making heads turn would get him excited.” she pointed out.

I thought about this as I sipped from my own glass, “I know you’re right. I guess it’s just years of social conditioning or something.” I said.

“If you think you look fuckin’ fine in the dress, then you rock it girl!” Pippa said and I laughed.

As I changed out of the green and into the dress, I thought about what Pippa had pointed out to me. With Nick it was usually up to him what I wore for a night out. He wanted me to look good so I’d be pretty on his arm. But he didn’t want anyone else to even think about me in an inappropriate way, or at all if it was up to him. I was to keep to myself and not speak to another man for too long so I wouldn’t give them any ideas. I realized I wasn’t worried about what Daveed would think of me, but actually what Nick would have thought.

Once Pippa and I were dressed, we sat down to do our makeup. I usually kept it pretty simple with winged liner, mascara, and lip gloss. But Pippa’s get-it-girl attitude had me feeling adventurous. We did some googling, trying to find the right look to go with each of our outfits. I picked a cute look where the black wing was lined with gold. Pippa chose to do a bright turquoise liner on the top and bottom lid. When we were finished, we stood in front of her tall mirror to record a Snap for Daveed.

“No one’s stopping us tonight!” I sent as the caption.

We finished up and squeezed some money and our phones into tiny clutch purses. Pippa called an Uber to take us to the karaoke club while I repacked my bag. As we left her apartment, we texted Groff and the rest of the crew to let them know we were on our way. While we rode in the Uber, Daveed sent his reply Snap. He was in a dark club, grinning as he bit his gist. The caption read, “Damn my girl is fine. Can I get a piece of that?”

Pippa and I giggled and when the Uber dropped us off I sent a reply. I took a photo of me looking thoughtful with the caption, “I don’t know...I have so many options tonight.”

Groff, Renee, and a friend of theirs I didn’t know very well from the ensemble named Kyle were already there. As we waited outside to see if anyone else would turn up, I took some more selfies for Snaps to Daveed. The first was me kissing Pippa on the cheek captioned, “I mean obviously Pippa wants me.” Next Groff came over and gave me a sloppy kiss on the side of my head for another Snap with the caption, “Even Groff wants me...and he doesn’t even swing for ladies!”

Anthony and Jazzy texted Pippa to say they couldn’t make it, so we headed inside to get a room. While we waited in the lobby, Renee came up behind me hugging me close. I sent one last Snap to Daveed that said, “I got this MILF on lockdown.” Renee laughed loudly.

“I love you so much, Em. And you’re damn right I’m a MILF!”

We got our little private karaoke room and took turns looking through the drinks and songs catalogs. I was half a drink in and listening to Pippa sing a soulful rendition of _How Deep Is Your Love_ when I got a reply from Daveed. He was licking a somewhat surprised looking Rafael’s cheek and the caption said, “I have a Rafa so...I think I win.” It was immediately followed up by a picture of the stage and said, “Show time!” So I tucked my phone away and focused on having a good time.

By the time we left the club, we were all sufficiently drunk. Pippa, Groff, and I said our goodnights before piling into an Uber together headed for my house. We stumbled inside, laughing at Groff who had somehow managed to get his linen sport coat caught on the front gate. After getting a couple tall glasses of water and a massive bowl of popcorn, we went upstairs to my room to watch a movie before we passed out. We changed into pajamas -- I lent Groff a tee shirt and a pair of gym shorts of Daveed’s -- and crawled into my bed together in a big, drunken heap.

I must’ve fallen asleep no more than halfway through the movie because i woke with the sun in my face and Groff’s cheek pressed into my leg. I carefully freed myself from the bed, leaving Pippa and Groff to sleep and went to find my phone. There was a Snap and a text from Daveed. The Snap was sent after his show, probably around the time we had left the karaoke club. It was of him standing in his hotel bathroom’s mirror in only a towel. The caption was just a winking face with the tongue sticking out. I smiled and rolled my eyes, opening the text which had only just been delivered.

- _Morning baby girl. Did you have a good night?_

I replied with a picture of my smeared makeup and then another of my friends passed out in my bed. I curled up on my window seat and pulled a pillow into my lap.

- _Oh yeah. Maybe too much for them_

The rumble of morning traffic was just starting to pick up on the bridge outside. I could hear it like the low roll of distant thunder. After all the months I had been living there, it had become a very soothing noise to me. I debated going downstairs to put on a pot of coffee, but I was so content where I was. The only thing that could that could make it better was Daveed so I sent him another text.

- _I miss you. Come home soon_

- _I miss you too. Not too much longer_

My friends started to stir in my bed, so I went back to join them. Pippa whimpered and I pulled her head into my lap. I ran my fingers gently through her hair as her eyes fluttered open and then squeezed shut again.

“You okay?” I asked softly.

“Yeah...my head is just pounding.”

“Mine too...” Groff groaned.

I smiled, “I’ll get some Advil and then let’s find someplace greasy for breakfast.”

“Okay.” they agreed, not making any move to get up.

“Or I could just order something greasy to deliver.” I offered.

Groff nodded, “Yes...delivery...good plan.”

I laughed, “Alright alright. Delivery it is then.”


	16. Humid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ::**:: WARNING!!!!!! ::**::
> 
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SOME VERY HEAVY STUFF. GRAPHIC VIOLIENCE, RAPE, AND ABUSE!
> 
> This is sort of a long chapter but we've finally reached the meat of the story. I have not really gone back to revise it, mostly because writing it was enough of a challenge. But it needed to get out of me, so here it is. Only one or two more chapters left before the end!

It was hot, the air thick with a humidity that didn’t show any signs of breaking. I had spent most of my day hiding out in the house with the AC cranked. Daveed was almost done with his tour. He was in DC having a night off with some friends and then he’d drive to southern New Jersey the next day for his last show. After that he would be home...home with me. I couldn’t wait for him to be back. It seemed strange to me how much I missed him. I had never felt that way about someone before. I had never felt the way I felt for Daveed before.

By the time the sun started to set, I had grown restless with a backwards kind of cabin fever. I decided to go for a walk in the hopes that it had cooled off. I put on a light sundress and grabbed my headphones, heading out the door. I grabbed a quick dinner at a restaurant near Central Park and then kept moving. It was nearly nine o’clock when I found myself in Chinatown. The streets glittered and buzzed with an energy you could only find in that part of the city. As I walked, the buzz started creeping its way under my skin, making me feel nervous and scared. I pushed it down, ignoring it as a kind eyed old man waved at me from his shop.

Before I knew it I had reached the southern outskirts of Chinatown. The buzzing feeling didn’t leave with the lights. If anything it got worse as I headed down darkening streets, the briny smell of Upper Bay stinging my nose. Suddenly as if my body had been warning me for blocks, a hand clasped tightly around my arm just above my elbow. Without looking, I knew who it was and the dread filled my lungs as if I were drowning. Nick pulled me sideways into a dark, muggy alley. The putrid smell of rotting trash seemed to kick in my fight or flight and I tried to struggle away.

“I swear to fucking God, Em. If you scream I’ll break your arm.” Nick hissed.

I whimpered, still trying to break free, “No...please...let go.”

In the low light he looked like a monster, the structure of his skull creating deep shadows over his eyes, “Shut up!” he growled, twisting my arm violently.

I stopped struggling as pain shot up into my shoulder, “How...how did you find me?”

“You think it was that hard?” His free hand came across my cheek hard. “You’ve been traipsing around like a whore with that black guy and all your gay theater friends. Fuck, I mean, I’ve been following you for days.”

I cried out as he shoved me against the wall, “That was you...in the Circle...I knew it was you.”

“Of course you did. Because we’re meant to be together and _you_ are fucking that up!” he snapped. He let go of my arm to wrap his fingers around my throat, “You keep fucking running away from me and I think you need to be punished.”

I scrabbled at his hand, scratching uselessly at his skin. He was starting to lift me from the ground and I couldn’t get any air into my lungs. He released me for a millisecond before slamming my head back hard into the wall. I saw stars and felt like I was going to faint. With his free hand, he lifted my skirt and ripped off my panties. I tried to cry out, tried to struggle, but the more I moved the tighter his grip became. He forced himself into me, the pain ripping through me like a hot poker. I wished I would black out but it didn’t happen.

He ground himself into me thrust after thrust, my hip scraping into the rough brick behind me. I looked anywhere I could but at him. I gave up trying to push him away. When he was finished he let go and I collapsed to the ground. My body sucked in air but I didn’t want it to. I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. For a brief moment I thought of Daveed and waves of shame crashed over me. Nick was pulling his pants back up, redoing his belt. I could see the weave of the fabric of his jeans and smell his sweat. I felt sick.

“Get up.” he ordered, standing over me.

I couldn’t move, I didn’t want to move, “Get up!” he yelled.

I willed myself to disappear. “You fucking worthless piece of shit! Get off your knees! You fucking whore, stand up!” he screamed.

In his fury, a noise escaped him like a ferocious beast and then his booted foot connected hard with my ribs. I felt it crack and black spots flashed in front of my eyes. I fell over, my cheek pressed into the grimy pavement and I tried to make the black spots coalesce to take me away. He kicked me again and then again. I did not pass out. It was as if he was in control of my body and mind, forcing me to live through all of it. Forcing me to experience every moment.

“Hey! What are you doing? Stop!” someone yelled suddenly from the end of the alley. Their footsteps came closer, “I’m calling the police!”

The kicks stopped. “Fuck...” Nick said quietly.

I looked up at him and I saw it there. For the first time ever there was pure terror in his eyes. For the first time we both realized the same thing. Had that person not seen him, he would have killed me. And for an instant I could see a flash of the boy he must have been. The boy that played with army men in the backyard, the boy that dreamed of his first kiss, the boy that hugged and kissed his mother on her birthday. The boy before everything went wrong in his head and he decided that beating me made his ego feel better.

I could hear the good samaritan speaking with the 911 dispatcher, “Shit...fuck...” Nick mumbled and then took off, fleeing down the alley in the other direction.

The person came up to me and reached down to help me up. But the moment their hands touched my skin it felt like fire and I screamed. They lept away, apologizing quickly in a jumble of words. I struggled to get up, clutching my ribs and pushed past them to the street. They followed me, saying something about the police coming and I needed to get to a hospital. But I shrugged them off and hurried away. All I wanted was to get home. I stumbled down into the nearest subway station and got onto the next train north. I slumped into a seat as far away from the other passengers as I could and tried to hide my face as the tears came unwillingly.

When I climbed back out of the subway at Lexington and 59th, I pulled my phone out of my purse and dialed Lin’s number. It was very late by then, but I didn’t care. I didn’t know who else to call. Lin was the only person in the city I knew I could trust. Lin was the only person in the city I knew wouldn’t judge me for what just happened. It rang and rang as I staggered towards my house. For a moment I was sure he wouldn’t answer. But then he picked up.

“Em! _Mami_! How’s it going?” he said cheerfully as if it were three o’clock in the afternoon and not nearly midnight.

“Lin...I...please...I need your help.” I cried, unable to focus my mind to make sentences. “Please...will you come to the house? Please Lin...”

“Em! What happened? What’s the matter?” he replied, now sounding deeply concerned.

“Please...I just need you to come to the house. I...I was...he attacked me...he...” I sobbed. “Please Lin. I need help.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll be right there. I’m leaving right now.”

I nodded and hung up the phone as I leaned into the front gate. I got it open and then fumbled for my keys to unlock the door. With the door shut behind me, my knees buckled and I fell to the floor, sobbing. The pain all over my body was unbearable, but the shame of what had just happened made me feel sick. I clambered up the stairs to my bathroom and made it to the toilet just in time to throw up all of my dinner. I peeled off my clothes as quickly as I could, feeling disgusting and unclean. I crawled into the shower and turned on the faucet as hot as it would go. I pulled my knees up to my chest and sat shivering under the boiling water.

Sometime later I could hear my name being called out in the house and then suddenly Pippa was rushing into my bathroom, reaching into the shower to turn off the water. “Em! Oh my God!” she exclaimed, turning away for a moment.

“Pippa...I...” I started to sob again.

I looked up and saw that Lin was there too. He came closer and I whimpered, shying away. He backed off, looking worried and scared. Then he turned and went into my closet. I could hear him talking to someone on the phone. I hoped he wasn’t calling the police or an ambulance, but I didn’t have the strength to protest. Pippa kneeled down and pulled me protectively into her arms. I could hear Lin’s conversation get heated for a moment and then quiet before I heard him slam a fist into the top of my dresser. The sound made me jump and I huddled closer to Pippa.

When Lin came back into the bathroom she looked up at him, “Lin...pass me a towel.” she said.

He glanced around the bathroom and then passed Pippa the big, fluffy towel I kept in the basket next to the tub. She wrapped it around my shoulders and then gently helped me stand up. She used the towel to carefully dry off my arms and then moved it down my legs. When I winced and gripped at my ribs she gasped. I looked down and I could see the bruising that was already starting to form there. Beyond her, I could see myself in the mirror. My hair was dripping wet, strands stuck to my face, the skin on my shoulders bright red and raw and my throat was purple and gruesome looking. I choked down my sobs as she glanced over her shoulder to see what I was looking at. Then she steered me quickly out of the bathroom into the bedroom.

She sat me down on the end of my bed, an arm wrapped around my shoulders keeping me upright, “Em...what happened? Who did this to you?” she asked softly.

Lin sat down on my ottoman across from me, “You can trust us. You’re safe, I promise.”

I couldn’t stop crying. I turned my head into the crook of Pippa’s neck and sobbed. “Have you called Daveed?” Pippa asked Lin.

“Yeah...him and Rafa are trying to get on a plane right now.” Lin said, checking his phone. Lin leaned forward but made no move to come any closer. “Em...let's try to take some deep breaths. You need to calm down and tell us what happened so we can help you.”

I took a deep breath, trying to stop crying. “I...he...I don’t know where to start.”

Pippa rubbed my arms gently, “It’s okay...”

“Start from the beginning.” Lin said.

I nodded, “Okay...” I sniffed, the tears finally slowing down. “I’ve talked about how I left Boston. I told Pippa...I told you about my ex. That I had to leave everything behind.”

“Did he do this to you?” Lin asked, his tone hard as if he were holding himself back.

I nodded again, “He...he...” I couldn’t get the words out so I went back to something I could talk about. “I ran away from him. He had been hitting me...hurting me...for over a year. He shoved me into the coffee table and I knew I had to get away.” I said, pushing the towel away to reveal the still pink scars on my thigh.

“Oh...Em...” Pippa cooed, leaning her head against mine.

“That’s when you moved back to your moms?” Lin pressed.

“Yeah...my mom and I...we’ve never gotten along. I thought if I went there...I thought he wouldn’t think I would go there. And then I met you...and all of this happened...” I said, motioning to the room.

“He contacted you...that night we had the party here. That’s what you were so upset about.” Lin said, starting to piece it together. “And you thought he was following you. The hoodie.”

I nodded, “He figured out where my mom lived...and she told him I was here. He knew how to find me...and I wasn’t exactly trying to hide.”

“And you shouldn’t have been!” Pippa said firmly.

“What happened tonight, Em?” Lin said, looking at me with intense eyes.

I gulped down air, my throat throbbing, “It was so hot...and I had been in the house all day. I just...I just wanted to take a walk.” I started, the tears coming again. “I ended up down below Chinatown. It was dark and...he was following me. He grabbed me...he pulled me down an alley.”

I started to cry fully again, my whole body rattling and Pippa held on tighter, “It’s okay...Em...just let it out.” she whispered soothingly.

When the sobs had slowed again, I continued, “He had his hand around my throat...he smashed my head into the wall. I wanted to...I wanted to pass out. He...he...” I choked out the words. “He raped me. And then when I fell he kicked me over and over.”

Pippa made a pained noise, clutching me close and Lin took a long, deep breath, “How did you get away?” he asked finally.

“Someone saw him. They called the police and he ran. I couldn’t stay so I ran too.”

“But Em...you have to go to the police.” Pippa said.

I shook my head, “No...no I can’t do that.”

“You don’t owe your ex anything. He doesn’t deserve to get away!” she argued.

“It doesn’t matter now...he’s not coming back.”

“But!” Pippa started but Lin shook his head and she quieted.

“You do have to go to the hospital. Your rib is probably broken.” Lin said.

“I can’t go...I don’t want to go.” I protested.

“You have to, Em. You could be bleeding.”

I shook my head, “I’m not going to the hospital.”

Lin checked his phone again, “Daveed should be landing soon.”

“How about we get you dressed?” Pippa suggested. “Then we can talk about going to the hospital again.”

Lin nodded and got up, leaving the room while Pippa left me on the bed to go to my closet. She came back with a comfy pair of elephant pants, a tee shirt, some underwear and a lacy bralette. “I wasn’t sure if it would hurt too much to wear a bra and I wasn’t sure if you would want one or not.”

I tried to smile, letting her help me to my feet, “Thank you...” I mumbled.

She helped me into the clothes and then left me to sit in the window seat while she went to clean up in the bathroom. A car pulled up in front of the house about ten minutes later and I watched as Daveed and his best friend Rafael lept from the backseat. Daveed launched up the front steps while Rafael hung back to gather their bags from the trunk. I turned my head slowly to look across at my shut bedroom door as Pippa came slowly out of the bathroom. We listened quietly as Lin spoke to Daveed at the bottom of the stairs.

“She’s been through a lot...it’s probably not best that you go in there like this...” Lin was saying.

“To hell with that! What the fuck happened? What the fuck is going on?” Daveed boomed.

I heard the door open and shut again as Rafael came into the house, the car pulled away from the curb outside. “She was assaulted, Daveed. You need to calm down. She’s very...shaken up.” Lin continued evenly.

“What do you mean she was assaulted? Is she okay? Why isn’t she in the hospital?”

Pippa started to cross the room, standing between me and the door as we heard the three men coming up the stairs, “D...it’s probably not a good idea. You can’t touch her. You really need to calm down.” Lin said in the hall.

“Fuck you, I can’t touch her! She’s my girlfriend! What do you mean I can’t touch her?” Daveed said and I winced, curling up into the window away from the pain I could hear in Daveed’s voice.

“D...I think you know.” Rafael said softly.

It was suddenly very quiet and then Daveed said quietly, “What happened, Lin? Did someone...did they?”

“Her ex boyfriend. She’s been running from him since she came here and he found her.” Lin answered. “You need to be careful.”

Silence again and then, “Okay...”

Pippa stayed where she was as my bedroom door slowly pushed open. Daveed was on the other side and when he saw me, a sob escaped his lips. He started to cross the room, making it to Pippa in a flash but I flinched and he hesitated. Lin and Rafael followed him in, staying near the door and Pippa looked between them and me. She reached out and put her hand lightly on Daveed’s arm, stopping him. Her eyes found mine and I nodded, unfolding a little.

“Do you want me to stay?” she asked.

I shook my head, “I’m okay...”

She nodded, “Okay, I’ll be just outside the door.”

She left, taking Lin and Rafael with her and shut the door until it was only open a few inches. Daveed slowly approached, stopping about a foot away and kneeled down on the floor in front of me. My heart pounded in my chest as we looked at each other, neither of us sure what to say. Finally I reached for him and he closed the gap, wrapping his arms around me. I cried into his shoulder, feeling both like his touch was burning me and comforting me. I could smell his cologne, his hair, his sweat. Slowly as I let it all in, I remembered that these things were safe. That Daveed was safe.

“You’re going to miss your show.” I mumbled.

“It doesn’t matter. What happened to you? Why aren’t you at the hospital?” he asked.

“I don’t want to go...” I answered. “I’m scared, D...I’m so scared.”

“It’s okay...I’m here now. It’s okay...” he soothed.

“I don’t want to be poked and prodded. I just want to go lie down in my bed and never leave.”

“You can’t do that, baby girl. You need to get checked out.”

He pulled back and I looked into his eyes, “He...he...” I stammered.

“I know...I know...it’s okay. You don’t need to say it.”

“It all hurts so much.”

“Please, Em, for me. Let me take you to the hospital.”

I hesitated and then finally nodded, “Okay...”

He helped me up and we crossed the room. Out in the hall, our three friends were waiting patiently, “We’re going to the hospital.” Daveed announced.

“Good, good.” Lin said, nodding and almost smiling.

“Rafa, can you call an Uber?”

Rafael nodded and pulled out his phone, “Sure thing.”

“Do you want me to go with you?” Pippa asked me.

I shook my head, “No...thank you. Go home and get some rest.” I told her.

She sighed and half smiled, “Oh...I don’t think I’ll rest until I know you’re alright. But I’ll try.”

“I’ll split an Uber with you. Make sure you get home alright.” Lin offered to her.

Pippa nodded, “Okay.”

We all made our way back downstairs to wait for our rides. I sat with Daveed on the bottom step outside, Rafael standing over us like our protector. Pippa and Lin said their goodbyes as our Uber pulled up and Daveed promised to text them updates from the hospital. Daveed helped me into the car and then came around to slide into the middle seat next to me, Rafael getting in next to him. We rode to the hospital in silence and the driver dropped us off outside the ER. Daveed helped me inside and the front desk staff immediately brought me out a wheelchair. They wheeled me into a room, Daveed and Rafael tailing behind. The nurse left a johnny and Rafael stepped out so Daveed could help me out of my clothes.

“Did he do all this? Did he kick you?” Daveed asked, gently running his fingers over the purplish bruises on my abdomen.

I nodded, “Yes...” We got the johnny on and I got into bed, Daveed helping lay the blanket over my legs, “I’m not telling them I know who did it.”

“Why not, Em?”

“Because...they’ll get the police involved and I don’t want that.”

“But Em, this guy is clearly psychotic. He should be arrested for what he did to you.”

I shook my head, “I’m not getting the police involved.”

Rafael cracked the door and Daveed sighed, “Okay...”

“Promise me, D.” I said as Rafael came into the room.

“I promise! I promise...”

The sun had long since risen by the time they released me, but it was clouded over and a cool rain was falling. The humidity from the previous day was all but a memory. I had two bruised and one broken rib, a bruised larynx, and a good sized lump forming on the back of my head. They prescribed me some painkillers, but I had no intention of taking them. When we got back to the house, Daveed let Rafael take his bedroom and we went to my room. The three of us slept until dinner. Daveed left me to rest while he and Rafael ordered something to eat. But I didn’t want to get out of bed.

I laid there listening to the rain fall on the windows and thought about Nick. I wondered what happened to him. Had he been caught? Had he gone back to Boston? Would I ever see him again? The last question I was almost sure I knew the answer to. The look in his eyes before he took off was too telling. He wasn’t coming back, he wouldn’t ever come back. I just hoped he had learned his lesson. I hoped no other girl after me would suffer a worse fate. In a morbid way, I felt like this incident was meant to be. It was the only way Nick was going to learn from his mistakes, even if it meant sacrificing myself in the process.


	17. Slow Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter. Not many left!

The days passed slowly. My injuries were healing very gradually.  The bruises were starting to turn green and I was able to take deeper and deeper breaths. But inside my head, things weren’t improving. I spent most of my time in bed. Daveed and I fought almost daily over my stubborn refusal to take any painkillers. I couldn’t explain to him that I was doing it on purpose. I wanted to feel the pain as a reminder that I did it to myself. In my lowest moments, I had convinced myself I brought the attack on myself. If I had just stayed in Boston, if I had told someone about what was going on, if I had gone to the police. But I hadn’t done any of those things and this was my punishment for those mistakes.

Lin insisted on keeping me from coming back to work until I was cleared by my doctor that my ribs were healed enough to play. After a few days of bedrest, I tried to get up just to play my cello for an hour. Despite my deepening depression I was restless and I knew how much better I felt when I was playing music. But after only ten minutes, Daveed found me sobbing in pain over my cello and forced me back into bed. I hadn’t thought about trying again. I had lost my intrest to play when I realized it hurt too much to do it again.

Rafael was still at the house even days after the incident. Daveed refused to leave me alone in the house so Rafael stayed when Daveed needed to go to work. He mostly kept to the first floor, neither of us wanting to admit his babysitter status. As awkward as it was sometimes, I was glad to have him there. He seemed to help Daveed keep a level head and I appreciated that. It was also nice to have someone else in the house, even if I couldn’t bring myself to entertain them.

One two show day when I knew Daveed was gone, I got out of bed and dressed. I tried to put on shorts but it hurt too much to bend over. Nervously I put on a dress instead with a skirt that came down to my knees. In the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time since the night Pippa pulled me out of the shower. The finger shaped bruises on my throat were almost gone, slightly green and a shade darker than my skin. Gently I covered the darkest spots with makeup and then did my face. I was sunken, my eyes hollow and empty. I almost didn’t recognize myself. The makeup helped but I couldn’t make my eyes look less lifeless. I might’ve made my exterior normal, but it didn’t hide the fact that I was a shell of my former self.

My bedroom door seemed like an impassable forcefield. I stood staring at the doorknob for what felt like hours. Finally I pulled it open and slowly shuffled down the hall. I could hear Rafael watching TV in the living room. With some effort I started down the stairs, gripping the railing with white knuckles. I got about halfway down before the pain in my ribs became too much and I slid down the wall to sit. A small cry escaped my lips and I saw Rafael turn quickly to the sound.

“Whoa! What are you doing up?” he said as he jumped to his feet.

He rushed around the couch and up the stairs, “Please just help me downstairs.” I asked, my voice small and helpless.

Carefully he scooped me up into his arms and carried me down the last few steps, “Where did you think you were going?” he asked as he put me down on my feet.

“I don’t know...I thought I would get down the stairs first.”

“I’m not convinced.”

“Why not?”

“Because I think you seem like the kind of girl who always knows exactly what’s going on. Even when the rest of us don’t.”

I thought about that, standing there with an arm wrapped around my abdomen, “Well are you coming with me or are you just going to stand there?” I said finally.

He gave me a crooked grin, “After you.”

We left the house and I grimaced my way down each of the front steps. At the gate I paused. I hadn’t planned where I wanted to go, despite what Rafael thought. A police car passed a block over, sirens blaring and I winced. Rafael put his hand on the small of my back. I shook my head and then pulled open the gate. He followed me out onto the sidewalk, shutting it behind him.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asked.

“No, but I’ve gotten this far.”

I turned down the street in the direction of the tram to Roosevelt Island. I couldn’t walk very fast, breathing and the gentle shudder of each footstep was still somewhat painful. But Rafael and I made our way along nonetheless. I could feel him coiled up, anticipating the worst. It wasn’t helping the growing feeling of dread that was bubbling up inside me with every step we took away from the house. We had nearly made it to the tram entrance and I was considering taking it across to the island. I knew there were some nice gardens over there and I thought it would be nice to sit on the waterfront.

But then, out of nowhere, a homeless man stumbled groaning and cursing from an alley to my right and my heart went into panic mode. Suddenly everything around me had doubled in volume. We were close to the bridge and the noise of cars and trucks was almost unbearable. I looked around, my eyes darting from one thing to the next as I tried to find my exit strategy. But there were none to be had. Tears welled up in my eyes and Rafael gently moved me away from the street against the wall of the closest building.

“I can’t...this was a mistake!” I cried, my voice unnaturally high to my own ears.

“It’s okay, we can just go back. No big deal.” Rafael said.

I tried to focus on his face but I kept seeing Nick, flashing into memories of that night, “I can’t! I can’t move! He knows where I am! He always knows!”

“He’s gone, Em. And even if he wasn’t, Diggs and I would never let him hurt you.” he said, but I could barely hear him over the rushing in my ears.

I slid down the wall to the ground, “No...he’s here. I can’t...why did I think he would go away? Why did I think it was safe?”

“It’s okay, Em. I’m going to call an Uber. Then all we have to do is get in and we’ll be home. Okay? Just a little while and we’ll be home.”

A few minutes later a car pulled up to the curb and Rafael carefully guided me to get in. The driver made a comment about not wanting to go very far and I heard Rafael say something about recovering from an injury and overdoing it. I could hardly hear them, though. My mind had retreated deep within and it felt like I was listing in on another planet. The car dropped us off in front of the house and Rafael helped me inside. He tucked me into bed and then went to go make me a cup of tea. When he came back, he set it down on my bedside table but I didn’t touch it. He sat down in my grandmother’s chair in the corner and put on the TV. Later that evening when Daveed had gotten home, I could hear him talking to Rafael in the hall. I hadn’t left my bed since we got back and had ignored Rafael’s every attempt to get me to eat or drink.

“She’s depressed and scared, D. I know she said she doesn’t think the guy’ll come back, but I don’t think she’s convinced herself of that.” Rafael said.

“Why? Did she say something to you? Did she see him outside the house?” Daveed asked.

I could hear Rafael hesitating, unsure how Daveed would react to our excursion, “She wanted to go out today.” he started.

“What do you mean out?”

“She got herself dressed...put on makeup. I caught her about halfway down the stairs.”

“Did she fall?”

“No, I think it just hurt so she stopped. She insisted she wanted to go for a walk.”

“And you let her?” Daveed asked sharply.

“I went with her! I wasn’t going to let her go alone.”

“Of course not...”

“Well she headed off towards the tram. We got almost there and some bum nearly ran her down coming out of an alley. She freaked, D. Full out. I don’t even think she could hear half of what I was saying. She curled up on the ground crying.”

“How did you get back here? Did she calm down?”

“No, she said she couldn’t move. That her ex was watching her still. I had to call a ride.”

Daveed sighed, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t get her to talk to me. Even after all this, she still won’t tell me the whole story.”

“Maybe she needs to get some space? Heal up someplace away from where everything went down so she can come back with a level head.”

“I could take her home with us to the Bay. But I can’t miss too many shows. Not after tour.”

“I don’t know, D. I think Lin would understand.”

It was quiet for a while and then I heard Daveed hum, “You’re right...I know you’re right. I’ll figure something out.”

“Good...well you should see if you can’t convince her to eat something. I wasn’t getting anywhere after we got back.”

Daveed came in then and sat down on the bed. He scooted back to the headboard and then gently pulled me into his arms. We sat there like that for some time while he played with my hair. Eventually I could feel myself coming back to reality. Daveed stroked my cheek and I turned so I could look up at him. He looked almost as tired as I felt and I wondered if it was my fault. Lately he always seemed to be awake before me and waiting for me to fall asleep. As if he couldn’t rest until he knew I was okay.

“There’s my girl.” he said, smiling down at me.

“I shouldn’t have gone out today without you. I’m sorry.” I replied.

A flash of pain flickered in his eyes, “Em, no. You don’t have to apologize. You can go anywhere you want. You don’t need my permission.”

I blinked at him, “It was a mistake. It was dangerous and I shouldn’t have gone without you.”

“I think it was very brave of you. I think you’re the bravest most wonderful woman I know. Even if some days you forget.” He leaned down to kiss my head. “Now what do you think about a bath in your favorite tub?”

I nodded, “Okay.”

Daveed ran the water and helped me climb in. He sat on the floor next to the tub, reaching for a clean washcloth and my body soap. Using the washcloth, he squeezed water over my shoulders and arms and down my back. I reached up to tie off my hair onto the top of my head to keep it from getting wet. Daveed started gently wiping the makeup from my neck. Then he moved to my face, running the cloth over my eyes. Before he could see just how sunken my eyes had become, I covered his hand with mine holding the cloth over my face.

“Rafa thinks you need to get out of the city.” he said.

I sighed and let my hand drop, “I heard.”

“Oh...” he said quickly. “Sorry, I didn’t think you were awake.”

“It’s okay.”

He ran the cloth down my back, “Do you want to get away?” he asked softly.

“Maybe? Maybe it would be good.”

“It might, or you might not want to come back.”

I chewed my lip, “I guess we’ll have to see. You won’t do the show forever.”

“Yeah, but Broadway is your dream.”

“Then Broadway will bring me back.”


	18. Doorknob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Possibly one...MAYBE two more chapters to go!
> 
> (Sorry for the delays, there's been A LOT going on in my personal life. Writing as much as I can as fast as I can!)

“What about this place?” I asked from my perch on the kitchen counter.

Rafa and Daveed were cooking under my instruction while I searched for an AirBnB in Oakland. We had been looking for one for a few days. But nothing we had seen so far was quite right. I was starting to find that Daveed and I had slightly different tastes. He wanted a lot of space, whereas I didn’t mind the small studios. He insisted it have a view but I wanted more privacy. One thing we did agree on though, was that it not be too far from Rafa’s place. We wanted to be able to get there conveniently since both of us enjoyed spending time with him.

Daveed left the stove to come look at the iPad I was holding, “No...too frilly.” he said, shaking his head.

I frowned and looked past him at the pan he deserted, “You need to stir that.”

He grinned, testing me, “Do I need to add this yet?” Rafa cut in, holding up the chopping board piled with diced veggies.

“Sure, go for it.” I answered, shooting Daveed a sharp look before continuing my search.

“I just want it to be chill, you know?” Daveed said, peering over the top of the tablet.

“I  _ don’t _ know. Half the places I’ve shown you, you’ve said no to.”

Rafa took over the pan at the stove, “Our boy is picky. I feel like you shoulda known that.” he said, chuckling.

Daveed rolled his eyes, “I’m not  _ that _ picky!”

“Yes you are, dude.” Rafa said.

I pressed my lips together, trying not to laugh, “I’m staying out of this.”

Daveed was glowering at the both of us, “Oh yeah...pick on the one black guy in the room.”

“Fuck man!” Rafa said, laughing. “The race card? Low dude, that’s low!”

Later that evening as Daveed and I laid in bed getting ready for sleep, he stroked my hair. “You seemed happy tonight.” he pointed out.

I nodded, reaching for the remote to turn off the TV, “Yeah...I don’t know how long it will last. But for now...”

He leaned over, kissing me yearningly on the lips, “Good enough to try tonight?”

I sighed into him, as much as I wanted him I still felt the pain Nick left me with, “How about this instead?” I asked, pushing him back.

I slid down his body, releasing him from his shorts, “Are you sure? You don’t have to.” he mumbled as I stroked him gently.

“This is okay.” I answered.

“Okay, baby girl.” he hummed as I took him into my mouth.

He was gentle, much more so than he used to be but I was glad that he still seemed to be enjoying himself. When he was finished he kissed my mouth and then left me to clean up. I laid in the bed waiting and wondering how long it would be before I felt comfortable enough to do more. I cared for Daveed and the sex we had was great. But things had been changed for me, against my will and I knew only time would fix it. I just hoped Daveed could be patient enough to wait for me to get there.

After three more days passed still without finding a suitable AirBnB, Rafa suggested we book our flight to give us a firm deadline to work towards. Daveed agreed and went ahead, booking three first class tickets to San Francisco in a week’s time.  Daveed and I settled on a place to stay with only two days to go. Fortunately the AirBnB host was very accommodating to our short notice schedule. I apologized profusely in my emails to them, even offering to pay a little extra, but they wouldn’t hear of it. It was as if they knew what I had been through and why we were coming. As if they were just trying to make things easier for me.

In the meantime, I spent the next seven days trying to convince myself to try leaving the house again. I would find myself at the door, hand poised on the knob but unable to go any further. The world outside the door seemed to buzz in my ears like a swarm of wasps and I was afraid to test it. Finally the afternoon before our flight, I knew I needed to take the leap. Rafa, Daveed, and I were having a late lunch before Daveed needed to go to the theater. I picked anxiously at my food, trying to psych myself up. As Rafa stood to clear the table, I squeaked.

The men looked at me curiously, “Are you okay?” Rafa asked.

I nodded too quickly, “I uh...I’d uh...” I stammered. Daveed was eyeing me like I was a jack-in-the-box ready to explode. “I’d like to go to the theater with you tonight.”

“Are you sure?” Daveed asked, one eyebrow raised.

“No...but I’d like to try.”

“Okay, that’s fine.”

“I can go with you if you want to leave early.” Rafa offered.

“Okay, thanks...” I mumbled.

“Okay,” Daveed said, smiling gently.

Ten minutes later after checking and double checking that all my bruises were fully healed and gone, I stood at the door waiting for our Uber to arrive. I stared down the doorknob, daring it to get in my way this time. The bees outside were almost unbearably loud. My hands twitched at my sides, wanting to cover my ears but I held back focusing on glaring at the door. Daveed put his hand on the small of my back and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“Hey! Last chance. You sure? You can wait.” he said.

I tried to relax into his touch, “Yes...I need to do this.”

“Okay, well time to go then.” he said as he waggled his phone to show the Uber coming down our street.

Rafa opened the door and I took a deep, pained breath before stepping through. Daveed stayed close as if blocking me from turning to run back inside. He reached around me to open the car door and I slid into the middle seat. I rode flanked by the two men, Daveed holding my hand in his lap. The closer we got to the theater, the more I started to tremble. But Daveed squeezed my hand tighter and I calmed. The car pulled up and we climbed out, thanking the driver. Rafa and I ducked inside while Daveed stopped to sign a few autographs. I knew he was only doing it because he felt bad to be missing so many shows coming up.

As Rafa and I waited just inside the stage door, I started to worry over what I was going to say to everyone. I hadn’t seen anyone but Pippa and Lin since the incident and I didn’t know what they had said about my absence. Pippa had visited me almost once a week but it had never crossed my mind to ask about our other friends. My own world had become more than enough for me to handle. My foot started to tap mindlessly on the floor while I waited for Daveed to come back inside. But Rafa noticed, looking at my foot suspiciously.

“Do you want to go already?” he asked.

I shook my head, “No! No...I just...it’s silly.”

“I’m sure it’s not that silly.”

“I don’t know what everyone knows about why I’ve been gone.”

Rafa thought about this for a moment, turning it over in his head, “Does it matter?”

“Kind of? I don’t think Lin would’ve told everyone exactly what happened. But...I don’t want to lie and say I’ve been sick if he lied and told them that I like...had to go take care of a dying family member or something.”

Rafa smiled, “Then maybe you should find Lin first.”

“You make that sound so easy! Like just walk down the hall and find Lin! Walk past everyone’s dressing rooms and not speak to anyone to find Lin!” I said a little hysterically.

Suddenly Daveed knocked on the stage door and Rafa reached over to push it open for him. He slid through the gap and then looked between Rafa’s wry grin and my sheer panic, “What’s going on?”

“Em’s got herself wound up over what everyone knows about her being gone.”

“Oh, I told them you had a personal emergency.” Daveed answered easily.

I gaped at him, “You did?”

Rafa was chuckling softly as Daveed shrugged, “Yeah, I figured it was the least to draw questions whenever you decided to come back.”

“Right...of course.” I mumbled sheepishly.

“Is that okay?” Daveed asked.

“Yeah...no that’s fine. That’s perfect. I didn’t even think...” I trailed off.

“What?”

“I think she forgot that you’ve been here. She thought it was up to Lin.”

Daveed cracked a grin, “You know I wouldn’t let Lin start any gossip.”

“I don’t know! I would hope that Lin wouldn’t start any gossip either!”

“What gossip am I starting?” Lin said and the three of us turned to find him standing just down the hall. He grinned and came over to hug me, “It’s good to see you out,  _ chica _ .”

“Thanks, Lin. It’s good to see you too.” I answered.

Lin ran his hand over my hair then stepped back, “Just coming to hang out tonight?”

I nodded, “Yeah, still not a hundred percent healed. But I’m getting there.”

“Good, well I’m sure you’ll heal up quick in that California sunshine.”

“Yeah...I think so.” I mumbled, smiling sheepishly.

“Hey, come play a level of Destiny for me. I  _ cannot _ beat it!”

“Okay,”

“I’ll be in Daveed’s dressing room if you need me.” Rafa said.

“I’ll be there, too.” Daveed joked.

I smiled and nodded, starting to follow Lin down the hall, “Cool, see you later.”

As we headed down the hall, Renee glanced out of her dressing room and spotted me, “Emerson! Honey I’ve missed you! How’re you doing?” she sang.

“I’m alright, still taking care of everything.” I answered vaguely.

She nodded sagely, “Of course. Just come back soon, alright? We all miss you  _ so _ much!”

“I miss everyone, too.”

“Do I hear a Little Miss Em in the hallway?” Groff called, sticking his head out of his dressing room.

I flushed, starting to feel a little overwhelmed, “Hi Groff. How’s it going?”

“Good! Are you coming back soon?”

“I think so...maybe another couple of weeks.”

“No! You have to come back like tomorrow! We need you!”

I forced a smile, “I promise I will be back as soon as I can.”

“Alright, alright. Let me hug you at least before Lin steals you away.”

Groff rushed out to hug me, half in his King George costume. When he was satisfied I followed Lin the rest of the way to his dressing room. Once inside, he shut the door almost all the way and pulled the xBox controller down from the shelf. He handed it to me then flopped down on the couch with his phone, checking emails. I loaded up the game and he pointed out which level he wanted me to play. While I played, Lin watched with one eye, the other eye on his phone.

“Sorry about everyone. They just really miss you.” Lin apologized finally.

“It’s okay...I miss them too. It’s just too soon for me.”

Lin reached over to tuck a hair behind my ear, “You take all the time you need, Em. Really, we want you better. That’s what’s important here.”

“Thanks Lin. I hope I can get there soon.”

“As do we all,  _ chica _ .”


	19. Need It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I included some lyrics from a song called "Need It" by Half Moon Run in this chapter. I highly recommend listening to it as I feel like you'll really get the picture of the scene. I heard this song for the first time about halfway through writing this story and from the second I heard it, all I could think about was writing this chapter.
> 
> Second to last chapter, sorry it's short. The last chapter will be short too probably. But this is it guys...let's wrap it up!

Daveed woke me early the next morning. I had managed to sit through the whole show with Rafa. Though because of that I was exhausted. It had been the most interaction I’d had since the incident. But I was proud of myself nonetheless. The three of us took an Uber to the airport then waited in the Admiral’s Lounge until it was time to go to our gate. I had a small breakfast in the lounge, not feeling especially hungry. When Rafa left us to use the bathroom, Daveed brushed his hand carefully over my hair.

“Are you excited?” he asked.

I made a small movement, chewing on some cantaloupe, “Yeah, I am.”

“That doesn’t sound very convincing.”

“I know...ask me again later, okay?”

Daveed gave me a gentle smile, “Deal. No pressure, baby girl. I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m happy wherever I’m with you.” I said quietly.

“Me too, Em. You and me against the world.”

When it was time to board our flight, we left the Admiral’s Lounge and made our way to the gate. Not long after we arrived, they called to board first class passengers. I had only flown a few times in my life and never first class. So I was somewhat amazed by the luxury of it all. Daveed let me have the window seat. I watched out the window at all the little people and carts scuttling around the plan loading luggage and fueling up. Once we took off I pulled my legs up onto the seat, curling up against Daveed. He picked out a movie and gave me an earbud to share. But the gentle hum of the plane and the warmth and security that radiated from Daveed’s body put me to sleep almost instantly.

I dreamed of the future. Of playing in _ Hamilton _ again and then beyond that. I pictured myself playing in a band again, moving away from New York with Daveed when it was time to leave the show. We went on vacations with Rafa to sunny Caribbean locales. I followed Daveed across the country and back on his tours for Clipping. I ran away to Paris for a week with Pippa where we drank coffee in cafes and read books to each other under the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. Lin officiated Daveed and I’s wedding in a rooftop garden in San Francisco. I woke as the plane was starting it’s descent into the Bay and I felt the best I had in weeks.

I followed the boys off the plane and through baggage claim. We took an Uber to Rafa’s house where we rested from our journey for a little while. Then Daveed and I continued on to our AirBnB. It’s greatest feature, what was the ultimate selling point for Daveed and I, was the big deck hanging over a wooded hill. The railings were strung with fairy lights and fragrant trees hung overhead and tickled the sides of the house. When I had gone through the photos before we even booked it, I could picture Daveed and I sitting out on that deck together. Breathing in the wonderful earthy air and letting it heal me from the outside in.

We were only at the house for ten minutes before I dragged a stool and my electric cello out onto the deck. I could feel Daveed watching me from inside, waiting to see what would happen. He was worried, I knew. All my other attempts to play since the incident had ended in tears and panic. But this time I was prepared to play through it. There was a song that had started to form in my mind and I needed to get it out. Over the next two weeks while we were in Oakland I worked on this song, piecing it together bit by bit. I recorded what I could on my phone and would play it back for Daveed to get his opinion. I was keeping the lyrics to myself, holding onto them until I was sure the rest of the song was ready. But the more I got the song out, the better I felt.

One night after Daveed and I had gone out for a few drinks with Rafa and friends, something awoke in me I hadn’t felt in a long while. When we got back to the house, I put on some music while Daveed poured us another drink. He passed me a glass and I took a sip, swaying to the music. He was looking at me with those eyes and I knew we were thinking the same thing. I put my glass aside then took his and made them a pair. I slipped into his arms and we danced, slow and sweet, his nose nuzzling into the crook of my neck.

_ If you breathe in, then I breathe in / And slowly let go. _

I tilted my head to kiss his lips and his hands gently pushed the straps of my dress off my shoulder. His fingers played over the freckles there, caressing them and making me shiver. I pulled his shirt off over his head and ran my hands over his chest and stomach. He wound his hands into my hair, kissing me deeply. I sighed into him, melting under the heat of him.

_ If you need it, then I need it / And only we’ll know. _

I led him slowly through the house, letting him take over once we crossed into the bedroom. We made love, the moonlight shining through the glass doors to the deck. He was careful, cautious, much more so than he had ever been. I loved him for it. I told him so and he told me back. We promised each other forever. We promised each other the future I had dreamed about. I didn’t ever want to let him go. I didn’t want him to ever let me go.

_ In the night we are one / ‘Till the moment is gone / ‘Till my race has been run. _

I fell asleep that night tangled up in Daveed, his bare skin keeping me warm. And I couldn’t have felt any safer, any more loved, but especially any more just where I was supposed to be.


	20. The Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well...this is it guys. The final chapter. It's a little short but it's all I had left of this story.
> 
> Once again, I've included some lyrics in this chapter. It's from a song called Run! by M&O. I would highly recommend listening to it to get the full effect of this chapter. I also claim no rights to the song, obviously Em is a fictional character who definitely did not write this song. I just thought it fit really well in the story.
> 
> But anyway...that's it. That's the end. I hope y'all enjoyed it. Please leave me comments! I love reading the feedback.
> 
> And who knows....maybe I'll start something new soon. ;)

Daveed insisted I play the little bits of phone recordings of my song for Rafa. Rafa then insisted we go talk to his producer buddy about getting it recorded for real. At first I was hesitant. The song was the most personal thing I had ever created. Recording it meant I’d have to share it with strangers, possibly more than once. The prospect of that was terrifying. But the boys insisted, pressing me to do it all the way into the recording studio.

Over the next two days I recorded my song. It would’ve gone much faster except that I kept breaking down while singing. Daveed would come in the booth and wrap his arms tightly around me. Rafa would stand at the door, lending his support from afar. The producers would wait patiently, understanding how emotional the process could be. Daveed would hold me fast until the shaking sobs would stop and then he’d kiss my head before letting me get back to it.

It took a few days for the studio to mix the final track. But then they called us back in to listen. By the end of the four minute track, everyone in the room had tears in their eyes. I tried to thank the producers but instead to my surprise, they thanked me.

“I feel blessed to have helped you create that. Truly, I feel blessed.” one insisted, wiping at his eyes with the back of a heavily tattooed hand.

Flushed and sniffling, I left the studio holding a CD copy of my song feeling like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Rafa came back to the house to have a drink on the deck and the three of us sat admiring the trees and breathing in the fresh air. As the sun started to set and night approached, Rafa decided it was time to take his leave. But I stopped him, holding him up in the kitchen as he rinsed out his beer bottle. Daveed was standing in the living room, watching me fiercely.

“It’s time to go back.” I said, looking between the two of them.

“You sure?” Rafa asked gently.

I nodded, “Yes, I’m ready.”

“Okay,” Daveed said, nodding.

A few days later Daveed and I were boarding a flight headed for New York. Rafa was staying behind in Oakland now that I wouldn’t need a babysitter. Our goodbyes at the airport were hard but he promised to come visit as often as he could. I knew he meant it. He would miss me almost as much as he would miss his best friend. We landed and went straight to the Richard Rogers. There was a full rehearsal happening that day and I had texted ahead to Lin to let him know I wanted to share something with everyone.

When we arrived Lin gave me a big hug, “You look good,  _ mami _ .”

I smiled at him, the first genuine smile I had given him in a long while, “I feel good.” I told him honestly. “I’m happy to be back in the city.”

“Are you ready to share?” he asked.

“Yeah, can you put this in the player?” I asked, handing him the CD of my song.

He nodded then addressed the room, “Hey guys! Can we take a little break? Em has something she’d like us to listen to.”

The cast and crew gathered on the stage. Daveed and I went to join them, Lin following after he had given the CD over to the sound tech. I sat with Daveed on a bench and Pippa came over, squeezing in close on my other side. All eyes were on me and I suddenly felt very vulnerable, exposed. I had tried to prepare myself for that exact moment on the plane. But for all the preparation I did, it was nothing compared to the real thing. I nudged Daveed.

“Should I explain or play the song first?” I mumbled to him.

“Explain.” he answered.

I looked across the group at Lin, standing in the back with his arms crossed over his chest. He simply smiled and gave me a small nod. So I took a deep breath and began to explain where I really had been all these weeks. I told them about why I had come to New York in the first place, how I had fled Boston, fled my abusive boyfriend. I told them about how he had tracked me down, stalked me for weeks, and then finally cornered me. I explained vaguely of the attack, of how Pippa and Lin and Daveed and Rafa all came to my aid. Finally I got more recent events.

“Well, I guess...I guess I needed to get away to get some perspective. Daveed, Rafa, and I went back to Oakland for a few weeks. While I was there, I started to write a song. I’d never written anything with lyrics before. So it was a little intimidating and scary. To write something so...personal. But Daveed and Rafa insisted I get it recorded. And I knew after it was done that I wanted to share it with all of you.”

I nodded at Lin who gave a cue to the sound tech out in the audience at the board to play the track. Moments later the beginning of my son started to play. When my voice came over the speakers, I heard Renee gasp.

_ I would rather run far away from you / I would rather run. _

I watched as the room listened to my track. Oak was bobbing his head along to the drum beat. Groff had his eyes closed and was mouthing along with the hook. Pippa had silent tears running down her beautiful cheeks as she held my hand in her lap. Lin was staring at me from across the room with the pride of a father watching his daughter grow into a woman in his eyes. I looked at Daveed and he smiled down at me, leaning his head into mine. He whispered he loved me in my ear and I smiled.

_ I’ll miss this place / Your sprawling face erased. _

_ I thought you safe love but now / I trust my feet over you. _

When the song was over the theater was completely silent as the echo faded away. Then one by one, the cast and crew, my friends, my  _ family _ got up and piled onto me, wrapping me in a massive group hug. For the first time in a long time I felt happy and safe and loved. But most of all despite everything I felt accepted.

“It’s good to have you back, darling.” Renee said, her warm tear streaked cheek pressed to mine.

“It’s good to be back.”


End file.
